Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality

Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.

How IFS Makes Sense of Seemingly Irrational Dreams

Part 3: Dreams may not make coherent sense, but they can allude to certain unresolved conflictual feelings—not only from the present but, more subtly, from the past as well.

How to 'Decode' a Dream Despite Its Obscure Symbolism

Part 2: The deepest meaning of a dream typically relates to unresolved feelings of ambivalence and old or distorted feelings of anxiety or shame.

IFS: A New Way to Understand Your Dreams

Dreams typically offer tantalizing messages from your unconscious—but symbolically. So how do you link them to present-day emotions, as well as unresolved issues from your past?

Chauvin’s Murder Trial and the Haunting Guilt of Witnesses

Hindsight may be 20/20, but at any given moment all we have available is our experiential knowledge—and that, regrettably, isn’t nearly as accurate.

All Unnecessary Suffering Comes From Outdated Defenses

Virtually all defenses relate to ways you felt deprived in the past—often, a caretaker's inability to provide sufficient guidance, understanding, and support.

All Unnecessary Suffering Comes From Outdated Defenses

Virtually all defenses relate to ways in the past you felt deprived—typically from your caretakers’ inability to provide you with sufficient guidance, understanding, and support.

Projection: The Great Threat to Intimate Relationships

Part 2: Unconsciously projecting disowned flaws onto others immediately relieves anxiety—but ultimately it’s harmful.

Projection: How We Conveniently Dodge Our Self-Doubts

Part 1: Underlying the defense mechanism of projection are feelings of hurt, anxiety, or shame.

Do People Take You Seriously? If Not, Why Not?

Do you see yourself as ignored or condescended to? This can happen to anybody, but maybe there's a reason it happens to you in particular.

When Is Nurturing Behavior Harmful to Your Relationship?

5 surprising but serious downsides of overly caregiving behavior.

Paradox in Therapy: Playing Both Good Cop and Bad Cop

The dramatization of police procedurals undercuts the fact that, used judiciously, such an approach can be surprisingly effective.

Borderline Rage: What's the Method to Their Madness?

People with BPD were taught by their parents’ unreliability, neglect, and criticism, not to trust others. And this frequently leads to highly conflicted adult relationships.

Validating Your Partner’s Viewpoint: The Amazing Payoffs

With couples, insisting on your (subjective) point of view—particularly when it differs significantly from your partner’s—only leads to a battle neither of you can win.

On Forgiving Yourself

President Joe Biden: “Failure at some point in your life is inevitable, but giving up is unforgivable.” It's an inspiring quote but also controversial.

To Blame Is to Shame, So How Can You Avoid It?

Just as you’d react negatively when you feel made wrong or put down, so will your partner if your words produce a similarly hurtful, shaming effect.

Righteous vs. Self-Righteous

Might humility alone determine whether a person is virtuous or just righteous?

“If I Can Do It, You Can Do It.” Oh, Really?

The encouraging statement in this post’s title—too often overblown and unrealistically optimistic—makes achieving something exceptional seem commonplace.

Take Heed—5 Caveats for “If I Can Do It, Anybody Can Do It”

TV commercials are rife with ads offering glib reassurances to anyone doubting whether a product or service can actually do the wondrous things so enthusiastically promised.

How Unconscious Defenses Sabotage Your Ethical Ideals

You want to always act in accord with your ethical standards. But do you ever fantasize traveling back to times when you behaved impulsively or selfishly?

When Empathy for Your Partner Goes Awry, Why?

To correctly identify someone’s psychological state, we need to emotionally share it and cognitively classify it. And here, compassion works a lot better than empathy.

Don’t Debate Your Partner’s “Always” and “Never” Statements

It’s worth exploring how employing “always” and “never” in highly provocative situations may be inevitable—impossible to totally uproot. How should you respond to them?

Procrastination: 10 Reasons to Embrace the Word "Now"

Whether you feel like it or not, tackling something right away that needs to get done is generally the wisest thing to do—and there are so many reasons why.

A New Way to Understand Your Psychological Defenses

We may wonder why we struggle to reach reachable goals. Mainly, it’s because we don't recognize that our outdated, unconscious defenses create difficulties.

3 Ways to Counter Someone’s Demeaning "Gotchas!”

Falling into the “gotcha trap” so that you’re actually enabling someone to empower themselves at your expense is inevitable, unless you come up with a stratagem of your own.

A New Way to Understand Your Partner’s Rage

Rage is the most ironic of emotions. It’s also the most misunderstood. And paradoxically, it’s chiefly *about* misunderstanding—between individuals, groups, and even nations.

How Well Do You Deal With Ambiguity?

Uncertainty makes us uncomfortable, but we can be richly rewarded for hanging in there anyway.

Narcissists: Masters of Overcompensation

Narcissists hide, both from themselves and others, serious deficits in their self-image, and overcompensate by exhibiting manipulativeness.

Three Times When It Doesn’t Make Sense to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is generally seen as the golden mean of communication. And done with tact and restraint, it’s not offensive to whoever might be on the receiving end.

Do You Feel Your Life Is Passing You By?

If you’re plagued by regret, it’s time to delve into whatever anxiety, guilt, or shame most likely underlies such misgivings.

Is It Best to See a Past Abuser as Perpetrator, Victim, or Both?

If in a relationship you were gaslighted, cheated on, and exploited, seeing yourself as victimized is surely warranted. But can you do so in a way that generates self-compassion?

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