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When I was in high school, I read one of my favorite books, Harpo Marx’s autobiography, “Harpo Speaks.” Harpo was my favorite Marx Brother and I was a big fan of his work. In the book, he discussed how his friend Oscar Levant was very concerned about germs and made the comment that Mr. Levant would only use the last sheet of toilet paper on a roll. Now, as an adult, I realize that Harpo was most likely trying to convey how careful Mr. Levant was at using only the most sanitary part of the roll due to his concerns about getting sick. However, as a teenager, Harpo’s comment made me think how odd it was that someone would want to use the last sheet of toilet paper as that is the one that has been glued to the cardboard tube. That means he would be using the sheet that had glue residue on it.
The point of this story is that teenagers can be quite literal. While Harpo was clearly making a point about the excessiveness of his friend’s concerns about germs, as a teenage reader, I thought about the literal results of actually using the last sheet on a roll of toilet paper. This all brings me to the point that parents and others who are dealing with children need to know that they can take what you say very seriously. They may not show it, however, every time you lose your temper and perhaps say something extreme that you don’t mean, the child often believes you.
A child who upsets her mother due to her incessant arguing could have the mother lose her temper and tell her to get out of the house. Often parents who are dealing with their own issues can become overwhelmed, which may lead to inappropriate outbursts. The parent’s upset and overwhelm could lead to the parent shouting, “That’s it, I can’t stand any more of this arguing. Get out and don’t come back!” For the parent, this could have been an overwhelmed, angry response that meant, “Go away, for now, I’m overwhelmed.” However, for the child, it sounded like, “I no longer have a place to live. I am no longer wanted or loved.” This could cause panic in the child and a feeling of extreme risk. This is the type of event that can leave emotional scars that take years to worth through.
While most adults would realize that the mother didn’t mean to actually abandon her daughter, children don’t have the emotional development to realize that parents get overwhelmed. They only know that they’ve been told they no longer have a home and don’t put two and two together to realize that the parent was just reacting out of emotion and not out of logic. An hour later when the parent has become less overwhelmed and welcomes the child back into the home, the parent forgets about what happened, but the child buries the experience, potentially affecting her sense of self and security for years to come.
The bottom line is that we need to be conscious of what we say to children. They are not adults and don’t have the developmental capacity to always know when our words are not meant to be taken literally. They can’t tell when we’re being literal or just spouting off. That’s why it’s doubly important for parents and caregivers to weigh their words carefully. Don’t assume a child understands your emotional outburst is transitory. Children who hear words that sound like abandonment or harsh criticism can take it literally. This means that long-lasting insecurities can form from careless outbursts that the adult never intended. Being aware of a child’s developmental stage and their capacity for understanding is the difference between saying something harsh without thinking and recognizing the child’s vulnerabilities before responding. It’s always a good idea to remember that children take us at our word, even if we don’t always mean what we are saying.
