I'm grieving over my brother who died in October. We were estranged for 18 years. I got to see him one last time when he was semi-conscious. I was able to tell him I love him and that I was sorry for all he'd gone through. I think he knew I was there and heard me, and I'm thankful for that.

He'd suffered from BPD, lived a destructive lifestyle, and was abusive at times, but I've forgiven him, understanding that this abuse was due to a mental disorder that he couldn't help. And I'm grieving badly for him as I remember many good times with him. I think the estrangement issue adds to my grief as I'd always wished that things could be different between us.

There's also the issue of other estranged family members coming back into my life, including my abusive mother who also suffers from BPD and is very self-absorbed. We've reconciled following my brother's death, but it's hard to be around her at times as she's so narcissistic.

Then there are my brother's adult children whom my mother and brother poisoned against me long ago and wouldn't let me see. My nephews and two nieces will have nothing to do with me--I was banned from my brother's memorial. Another was suddenly very friendly, visited several times, and then got cool and distant, cutting off all contact. I've tortured myself, asking myself if it was something I did or said. This has been heartbreaking to me.

These other issues have added many extra layers to my grief, which has had a negative impact on my life. I haven't been able to focus on my work or personal life. And the more I get behind in everything, the deeper my despair goes. I'm feeling locked into it, unable to escape it. My anxiety is sky high.