Values are what bring distinction to your life. You don't find them, you choose them. And when you do, you're on the path to fulfillment.
It feels like my mil hates me. I don't understand it. I read that you're not meant to understand it. I can't move forward. I married my DH in August and my mil didn't get her way with her sister being invited to other events around the wedding day that we wanted to keep smaller. She wanted a 'clear the air' meeting where she basically shouted at me and told me that 'if You ever have children I hope they don't treat you this way !' (Bearing in mind, she knew that my DH was told we had a very low chance of naturally conceiving.) She shouted at me and said it was all about my family. I said that the day was about me and DH and it was our decision. (My hands were shaking under the table with anger and frustration but I spoke calmly) she got her husband, my DH step dad to do most of her talking. ( I call him the puppet) he said it was about family. Four years previous my SIL was married and the mother told her if her father gave her away that she wouldn't come and nor would her side of the family. I knew I had my work cut out at this point.
The sister in law has never got on with me. She didn't speak to me for an evening because I told her that Sydney was in New South Wales after she told me she would be visiting both seperately. Then we went shopping as I wanted to try and get along with her away from everyone else's influence. It was the most difficult shopping trip I have ever had. She was pregnant at the time saying she was having to get bigger clothes etc. I kept saying she looked lovely and I wish I could have a baby. (She knew our situation)
I tried on some shorts for the summer ahead and I said I wasn't sure about them. She said 'oh I've got thunder thighs too!' I just can't understand that they say and behave in the way they do without considering others feelings.
The MiL was coming over after the SIL had the baby telling us she was annoyed that we hadn't visited and that we should visit. She was annoyed that we hadn't got the nephew a card saying from your uncle on it. At this point I always thought the sister was a nightmare and I was teaching at this time and it was Christmas and end of term and stress city. I text his sister saying we want to come and see the baby but that she must understand we both work and that I just can't simply drop commitments because she says so. I said that we would see her in the school holidays. She took great offence to this and she told my DH that she never wanted to speak to me again and that I wasn't to text her. A week later was my birthday and I received a present from her!?!? I text to say thanks. Naturally.
We went to visit the Mil's parents on the way to London and I explained what I had done and that his sister has said that she wouldn't be going to the Christmas meal if I was there. I explained and showed them the message I had sent. I said that I would rather not go and let them all go that I didn't want any more upset. They insisted I go as I was now 'part of the family' they said 'she is jealous of you because you and DH are happy and she isn't happy with her husband.'
I went to the family event and they had sat us at two different ends of the table in the restaurant. I felt sick on the way there with anxiety and fear. We drove up with the step sister and fiancé in the back as they wanted a lift. When we arrived they say us away from her and she was say so we could see each other. She swapped seats with the mil so she couldn't see me I suppose?! Then later the baby was being passed around. I said no thank you to holding it. Partly because it's a sensitive issue and because she hates me. Anyway the gran insisted I held it so I did. As soon as I did the sister got up and stormed out to the toilet. I felt humiliated. Later after food we left and I cried. It's the pressure and the being put in the situation.
Due to the wedding being the following year I thought I had best make some sort of relationship and forgive whatever had happened. The mil had come round crying saying her family is falling apart. I think she meant her daughter and me but it was never quite clear as that is all she mentioned. I phoned the sister and left a message saying I wanted to meet up if she would like to as we would want Herat the wedding and we need to establish somebody of relationship. She text later saying we could do. We did and it was awkward. She cried and told me I was rude and that she had showed her friends my text and they also agreed how rude it was. I apologised of she had misinterpreted the meaning but that it is difficult to have time to go and visit people at end of term and that because she hadn't really been that nice in the past that I didn't want to see her if I had any spare time at that time. She told me her baby was her world and that I had ruined the first few days with the new baby with my rude text. I reminded her that we may not be able to have children and perhaps she should think that it is a personal decision and not because we didn't like the baby that I didn't want to go and visit. She told me I should have told her. I replied telling her that she knew our situation so it didn't need explaining. At the end of this my DH and her husband came to us and she said she tight we could be good friends. (I think they are insane)
The build up to the wedding later on in the months we were trying to sort accommodation at the venue which was expensive and only had 11 rooms. The mil wanted rooms for herself her nephew and her sister and parents and her daughter (SIL)
We said that we had reserved rooms for bridesmaids, best man, my aunt from oz too and that his sister wouldn't be able to have a room because we couldn't accommodate and we were reserving them for people travelling down to us. The mil told me we ought to tell her. I asked why. She said well she will want to stay. I said that my brother wasn't staying because he lived close too and that I was sure she would understand. She I insisted we tell her. (All about them) Further down the line the aunt said she wouldn't stay. We then had a £500 room to fill. His sister said that she couldn't afford it and wanted to go home as only lived a mile down the road. It was all sorted eventually
Although we had to pay towards some rooms.
There was a bbq on the night before which we agreed to keep small as a welcome to guests to the venue who were staying. The mil said her sister as coming. We said that we were sorry but it's only for people staying as its a small gathering. She was annoyed as she said she wanted her there. My DH explained in three visits to her that month why we were keeping it small. That my aunts and uncles who weren't staying but were travelling down weren't coming either. She didn't accept that.
At the 'clear the air' meeting the week before the wedding she said that she wanted her sister there because she was staying in their house as they were staying at the venue. We said we were sorry but that we had to keep numbers down and explained again that my aunts and uncles weren't coming apart from the one from oz who was staying at the venue. Also that now the food was ordered for the numbers given. She shouted at me and told me it was all about my family and I said you told us she was staying and now she isn't so we have had that place to fill and that couple are now coming to the bbq. She didn't like this. She then got 'the puppet' to say 'if Your sister and aunt can't come to the bbq then we won't come and neither will your man and grandad!' They asked my DH if he would want to go to the alteranative meal with them. He declined.
At the Friday before the wedding we had the bbq and it was lovely. Due to them pulling out after food was ordered we invited my DHs dad and step mum and DHs brothers. It was so relaxed and everyone was jolly. No tense moments. Later the mil and grandparents arrived back to the venue. They say in a separate lounge room from us all and I went in with panic in my chest thinking I am going to try here. I walked over and asked how their meal was. I gave them hugs and got the ice maiden in return from all! It was so sad. I introduce them to my bridesmaids and they were even cold to them.
The morning of the wedding I was enjoying getting ready with the girls and at the wedding it was lovely. It was outdoors and it was a glorious day. His mum is seen in our wedding video with a miserable face and when they threw confetti she had gone from her seat. The sister did a reading and the mil signed the register. I wanted to offer something to them which now I wish I hadn't bothered. It was un noticed and not even thanked or bothered about. They didn't speak to me all day. Didn't come and congratulate me. I was afraid to go to them because they were in one area and didn't mix with any of the other families there. I just felt uncomfortable with them. Everyone noticed them as being miserable. At our first dance the nan is seen scowling at us in the back on the video and the sister left because she thought her husband was laughing at her with her dad?!? Didn't say goodbye or thank my parents for coming. At the later evening the mil didn't say good night to me of DH and then checked out the morning after and no goodbye. (Because the aunt wasn't allowed to come for breakfast they said they wouldn't stay either)
The nan had given us one week in their time share abroad for our honeymoon which we had thanked preciously before all this drama and she spoke to me for the first time at the end of he night and said 'have a lovely time at our place and remember your room number' I don't know if that was genuine nice or said to make me feel bad that they had given us that and I hadn't allowed the aunt to the bbq or breakfast!!
They also checked out that morning without goodbye.
After the wedding we went away on honeymoon and all I could think of was the way they had behaved and how they hated me.
My DH had written down everything they had said and done and he had started to realise what was what.
When we got back they asked him if he wanted to go to the Christmas markets with him away on bath. He said no.
Then Christmas came and he was sent cards and We were sent separate ones to both of us without kisses but there were kisses and nice words in his.
He had told his mum she upset him and she says nothing. She says she doesn't know what happened! She dropped his Christmas present over after he had said he didn't want gifts as won't heal this.
We went through IVF after the wedding and it was difficult but it was successful and we are delighted. He text his mother and she said 'that's great news!'
She didn't ask how we are. She never asks after me. I just don't know what to do. I feel frightened to see them out and about and I just don't want to see hem again. My parents can't believe it all and my friends and family would never treat anyone like this and neither would I.
I just don't understand it all and am having trouble getting over it. I wanted to let it go but every time they contact my DH it starts the feelings off again. They act as if it's all fine with him but he is hurt and it's causing friction between us when they make contact. Anyone else relate to this or think I am 'oversensitive?'
It's made me very ill. A cousin of my DH (the aunts son in fact) has a fiancé and we got very close on the build up to the wedding. She said she stuck up for me as they started doing the same to her as they are wedding planning. Telling her who should come etc. Making her do as they say. She told me they twisted what she had said and she never came to our wedding at the last minute because they had told her 'if you decide to come you won't be welcome!' She said they made her Ill with stress and gossiping about her and the cousin saying their wedding might be off etc.
I can't believe them. Please someone help. I want to move away but my parents are lovely and live nearby. Would hate to leave them. Living in fear and misery.
Thank you for reading.
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