It's January, and like a lot of people, I had made a vow to change my behavior. I write out a plan and I write out a contingency plan should the original plan fail.

But, somehow, I always find myself unconsciously self sabotaging. After the damage is done, I wonder, "Why did I do that?"

Everything in my being wanted to behave in a more positive way, and yet, there I am buying smokes or eating junk food before I could consciously remember even making the decision to do so.

It becomes even harder when peer pressure is added in. "I baked these cookies just for you!" or "Hey I remembered you smoked this brand, here's a pack I bought to share with you!"

I also find myself constantly running late. It doesn't matter how early I wake up, I'll still be rushing around at the last minute to arrive at on time.

It's like I'm two different people inside my body. One wants all the best things for me. Health, wealth and happiness. The other forgets the first one exists and does whatever she wants. If I work to hard at being the "better" self, inevitability the impulsive self will override the system and self sabotage is the result.

How does one delete the unconscious self sabotaging programming so that she can become her best self? My self loathing at my constant mistakes and failures is getting to be too much. I'm considering just isolating myself so that my only choices are the correct choices.

Or perhaps hiring someone to smack me upside the head everytime I'm about to make a self sabotaging decision. Whack! Instant consciousness of my poor decision making skills.