"Honey, hi. We need to talk.

I've been seeing other men behind your back, and I'm dumping you. I know this seems hurtful, but I sincerely believe this is best for both of us. And in the long run, you'll be much happier this way.

I acknowledge the need to validate your feelings, so you'll need some time to grieve before you can join me in appreciating all the good things that we once had. But eventually, you'll be able to read my Facebook postings about my new boyfriends, and you'll feel happy for me.

I'm taking the kids, and will be divorcing you on the grounds of mental cruelty. You'll be paying most of your income to me in alimony and child support forever. I realize this is hard for you right now, but I know that eventually you'll realize how much better it will be when the kids are calling my next live-in boyfriend "Daddy." And since we both want to move on in a positive way, I know you'll see the wisdom of my never allowing you to see them again.

Together, we had something special- this home was part of that. And every time I look around this house- which you're moving out of tomorrow, by the way, here's your restraining order- I'll think how wonderful it was that you worked day and night to get it for me and the kids. Whatever miserable one bedroom apartment you end up in, I know you'll be proud of yourself for that.

And remember, only a loser would be heartbroken over this. Far better for us to approach this in a mature, compassionate way. We've been in this together a long time, and we have a special bond- that's why you understand by now that whatever is best for me is best for you.

Part of me will always love you. Now, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."