Another great article by Peg.

Where do I start?

The most glaring thing in these researches or maybe I overlooked is what the selves were like before the relationship influence. I guess that is hard to research.

I have been single for a long time. I dated a lot but no long term relationship from the age of 26 to 42. That is a long enough to develop my selfhood.

I expanded (I definitely did not self prune) but I expanded myself. I consciously (most of the time) practiced self kindness.

Now I was also very clear that I was not attracted to situations that may constrict me...I was repulsed by them.

The interesting thing after break up what happens?

You mentioned here a self expanding relationship may result self constriction but I gotta say I do not know for everybody but for me...I do think I would probably go back to self expanding...because I am very conscious of this (even though I did not have the language for it)...I observed others who tried so hard to be with a person (to fit in) when they did not.

So I would say after break up if a self expanding relationship result self constriction, was it really self expanding relationship then? Causing giving up your individual in a relationship is sort of losing game for long term...after all we all die at some point and not exactly together.

Is this why a lot of women who have been married for a long time (happily even) say they will never marry again? they see themselves as self constricting after the relationship.

I always tell my fiance, if god forbid we are no longer together, I have very strong feeling there are good men out there...he gives me more faith in men than the other way around.