I am a prisoner controlled by anxiety. It is MUCH worse in the mornings. MUCH WORSE. It is there in everything I want, or am "obligated" to do.

My depression and anxiety started when I was in my senior year of high school. For days I would have difficulty swallowing. I knew nothing about depression and anxiety. My father died suddenly from a massive heart attack in November. I thought at the time I was going through all the "normal and expected" grieving processes. Sadness followed by disbelief followed by anger at my father for dying followed by eventual acceptance.

The not-being-able-to-swallow part (first 'bout' with anxiety---but I didn't know what it was. Eventually it went away.

Between the first time until now, ithe D/A (depression and anxiety) would creep in again. I was prescribed my first anti-deppresent in my early thirties. Perhaps mid-thirties, I can't remember.

Between the first time until now, the antidepressants worked every single time. I had many changes of different meds, because for many people the one you were prescribed stops working. It takes a while, a long while...like years, maybe, for that to happen, so newbies to A/D don't worry or think about it. My doctor would switch to another and like magic, I'd feel like "me" again.

In 2006, I had a severe and massive heart attack. 100% of my right coronary arty was blocked.i knew from reading and just watching documentaries, depression usually followed. It did, about three or four months later, but I managed to get past it.

In between now and then, I've always been on anti-depressants and had anxiety nothing like this. NOTHING.

In September 2015 I had open heart surgery, double bypass. Shortly thereafter (end of November), my mom said she was ready to go to a nursing home. She died on January 15th 2016.

I tried to go back to work in January (third-grade teacher), was there two days and realized I just couldn't teach any longer. Memory and focus was unattainable. While all this was going on, my daughter and my daughter's five y/o daughter moved out with her boyfriend.

I truly believe the grief from those three events put me on this trajectory of hopelessness, unable to leave my house to go somewhere

I resigned from teaching. We've lost half our income because of this and we're struggling barely getting by. I have so much guilt over that, among many other things.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist who is managing my medication. I am also seeing a counselor under the roof of the same practice. I've been at this for over a year now. I'm wondering if it will ever go away. I take Klopin 0.5 mg 3X perday. It helps somewhat. I take Wellbutrin 200mg once a day along with Zoloft once per day.

I don't feel as if I'm ever going to be myself again. Nothing seems to work. Will it ever go away? I need hope.