How to End Power Struggles: Make These "Mindshifts"

Most parents who seek my consultation have already consumed voluminous amounts of parenting content. They are all well aware that they, not their children, are supposed to be in charge. They know that limits and boundaries are essential for keeping kids safe and secure, and to help them learn to cope with life’s inevitable frustrations and disappointments. They are clear that managing their own emotions and not losing it when their child is melting down is essential. But in the heat of the moment, they get triggered into reactive mode and resort to yelling, bribery, negotiation and threats—tactics they know are ultimately ineffective and potentially detrimental.

The lesson: reading books by experts is one thing, carrying out their advice when emotions are running high is another. By the time parents arrive in my office, most are feeling out of control and helpless. They are berating themselves for being incompetent in the face of a human a third their size and are often frustrated and angry at their children for making them feel this way. They despair that the three to four precious waking hours (at best for working parents) they have with their children are spent in power struggles and negotiations. Lots of aggravation and not enough joy.

So, I asked myself, what is the missing piece of the puzzle? What is the obstacle to moms and dads being the parents they want to be?

I found the answer as I carefully observed how the dynamics unfold between parents and children in their most challenging moments, and guided parents to reflect on and analyze these maddening encounters with their children. What I discovered? There are eight consistent mindsets that result in parents dads reacting in ways that are ineffective and often increase the intensity and frequency of meltdowns, power-struggles and other challenging behaviors.

Here are those mindsets and the mindshifts that unlock the door to being the parents these moms and dads want to be; to build, strong, loving connections with their children while also setting the clear limits and boundaries children need to thrive--a seemingly elusive needle that can, indeed, be thread.

8 Mindsets and Mindshifts

1. Mindset: My child is misbehaving on purpose. He should be able to accept limits and exhibit greater self-control.

Mindshift: My child is driven by his emotions and desires and needs help to learn to follow rules and cope with frustration and disappointment.

2. Mindset: When my child tries to get his way, he is being manipulative.

Mindshift: My child is be­ing strategic, not manipulative. He is doing exactly what the DNA of a toddler or preschooler dictates—to find ways to assert control over his world.

3. Mindset: I can control and change my children’s feelings and behavior. I can make them behave.

Mindshift: I can't control my children's words or actions or make them do anything—sleep, eat, not throw a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty, and so on. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. What I control is my own reactions, which shape my child’s behavior.

4. Mindset: Experiencing difficult emotions, such as sadness, fear, and anger, is harmful to my child.

Mindshift: Feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong. Difficult feelings are part of being human. I need to acknowledge, accept, and help my child learn to manage their emotions.

5. Mindset: It is mean and rejecting to not give my child what he says he wants and needs. The tantrums that ensue when she doesn’t get what she wants are detrimental to her.

Mindshift: Just because my child doesn’t embrace them doesn’t mean that limits and boundaries are not good for her. The tantrums that ensue when my child doesn’t get something she wants are not harmful to her.

6. Mindset: Experiencing failure is harmful for my child.

Mindshift: Failure is critical for learning and growing, as well as for building resilience. Rescuing my child will not help him develop self-confidence or grit.

7. Mindset: Providing children with clear directions and expectations is being harsh and dictatorial.

Mindshift: Young children thrive when they know exactly what to expect. Absent a clear limit or expectation, children find the loophole and the power struggles persist.

8. Mindset: My child harbors malicious intent when she is aggressive with her words and actions.

Parenting Essential Reads

Why Is It So Hard for Parents to Apologize to Their Kids?

Why Talking To Your Child Matters, and 5 Ways to Do It

Mindshift: My child doesn’t literally mean the things she says and does when she is triggered. Her “reactive” brain is in control in these moments, and she is just purging emotion.

I will explore each of these mindsets in depth in follow-up posts in the coming weeks. I will show how they play out in real life and how making key mindshifts can be life-changing for families.

Mindset 1: Your Child Is Not Misbehaving on Purpose

From Why Is My Child In Charge? A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation and Find Joy in Parenting Again by Claire Lerner.