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Key points
- Self-awareness—understanding emotions and how they affect behavior—is crucial for children's mental health.
- Some kids are uncomfortable thinking back and talking about difficult incidents.
- Forcing kids to open up doesn't help and can shut them down further.
- Parents can create a safe space for children to express themselves, such as by avoiding judgmental tones.
One of the greatest gifts we give children is self-awareness. Helping them to understand what makes them tick—and how their thoughts and feelings affect their behavior—is critical for their ability to develop effective, healthy ways to express their full range of emotions as they grow. That is the definition of good mental health.
However, many parents I work with express concern about their children's resistance to talking about feelings. They refuse to engage in reflective discussions to process and learn from difficult incidents. They cover their ears, tell their parents to go away, immediately change the subject, or just shout that they don't want to talk about it.
I believe this reaction is rooted in the discomfort of revisiting an emotionally charged experience, especially when the child feels shame about it. The last thing they want is a face-to-face discussion that can feel very overwhelming, so they shut it down.
You can't, nor should you, try to force your kids to have these conversations. Pressuring them often results in digging in their heels more fiercely and redoubling their defenses. They may also develop a knee-jerk, negative reaction every time you try to initiate a reflective discussion, making it less likely they will feel safe to reflect and open up in the future.
Strategies to Reduce Kids' Defensiveness and Open Up
1. Set a validating tone that does not convey judgment or smack of being a correction. Your opening gambit is critical because it can make or break whether your child opens up or shuts down. If your tone is serious, say, "Let's talk about what happened at the playground today.” Or, "Let's talk about your meltdown at the restaurant,” your child is more likely to react defensively.
If, instead, you start with a statement that immediately conveys that you are not angry, disappointed, or judging them but, in fact, understand them, children are much more likely to be open to hearing what you say. “It’s so hard when you can’t have something you want. I really get that. I feel that same way, too, sometimes.”
2. Ask permission to share your thoughts. Often, children resist hearing our ideas because it feels overwhelming and intrusive. Asking for permission can be a game-changer. Rather than launching in with your ideas, ask if they are interested in hearing them. I have seen this result in kids being much more open to parental input. “I have some ideas about why it’s so hard not to get what you want." Or, "Your body acts before your brain when you are angry." Or, "You were so distressed about grandma picking you up from school when you expected mommy."
3. Be clear that they don't have to say anything if they don't want to. When we initiate these conversations, children know there is an inherent expectation that this is going to be a big tête-à-tête that requires them to share their thoughts and feelings when they may not be ready. Letting them know from the start that this is not an expectation can make them more open to listening to what you say. “I have some ideas about why sometimes your body acts before your brain. Would you like to hear them? You can just listen; you don’t need to say anything—that’s up to you.”
4. Tell stories about yourself that mirror their experience. Don’t come out of the gate by mentioning the incident. Instead, when you’re enjoying a quiet moment together, tell your child you have a story to share similar to something they are struggling with. Nellie, 4, was very resistant to doing any new activities. She loves art, and her parents were sure she would enjoy an art class if she took a risk and tried it. Her mom shared the following story with her:
“When I was a little girl, I loved to dance and so my parents signed me up for a dance class. I was terrified and didn’t want to go. I was afraid that I might not be good at it, that the teacher might be mean, and that I would feel uncomfortable with all the kids I didn’t know. But my parents took me anyway. I was really angry and wouldn’t participate for the first few classes, but then I saw how much fun it was and I ended up loving it and making some new friends.”
Nellie was fascinated by this story and asked her mom a lot of questions. Then her mom asked if Nellie ever felt this way. Nellie opened up in a way she never had previously. They were able even to make a plan for how to help Nellie feel comfortable doing an art class that would start by going to observe one as a first step.
Even if these stories don’t result in kids opening up, it helps them see that they are not alone with their feelings and experiences, which may make them more open to reflective discussions as they grow.
5. Make exploring and understanding feelings a fun activity. “Did you know that the words we say and what we do with our bodies all start with feelings? When I go to the refrigerator to get some food, it’s because I’m feeling hungry, and my brain tells my body I need to eat. When I shout, it’s because my brain is overwhelmed with really big feelings of frustration or anger."
Then, introduce the idea of making a list of lots of different feelings. Talk about the ways those feelings might be expressed and what the outcomes might be. Start with examples they can easily identify with, like:
- “At school, if a child throws dangerous objects, the teacher will probably have them stop playing and take a break. If they choose to throw safely, like tossing balls into a basket, they will get to keep playing.”
- “If I shout at the waiter in the restaurant because I am so disappointed that they don’t have the kind of juice I want, I may be asked to leave the restaurant. If I can take a deep breath, accept that I may have to be flexible and choose another drink, I will get to stay.”
Exploring how feelings impact behavior once removed, in this way, can open kids up to talking about their feelings and behavior.
6. Schedule a Zoom (or other video) call. During COVID, I had this epiphany: Kids saw their parents constantly on Zoom and always competed with these video calls, so maybe we could coop this medium. Kids also wanted to have grown-up meetings (not just "stupid Zoom school," as one child framed it). I wondered if connecting “remotely,” without the intensity of being face-to-face, would also provide a boundary that would make the child feel more comfortable opening up. And it did.
These “meetings” seem to work best when they’re with one parent and when the frame is to solve problems together, which can feel safer to kids than if it’s to talk about feelings. It can also help to tell your child that they get to decide what issue to tackle first. Once they have a chance to share, they are often more open to parents raising some issues.
This medium seems to put kids in a more logical and open state of mind; they respond to being treated like colleagues. At the same time, it's kind of silly and fun, creating a light-hearted tone that cuts through the typical tension of these kinds of conversations, making kids less defensive and more open to sharing and reflecting.
