Does Infidelity “Just Happen” or Is It Planned?

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We have all heard someone explain infidelity as a “spur of the moment” decision or “lapse in judgment.” But can the choice to betray a relational partner be so hastily made in the heat of the moment? Some wonder what hope there is for any relationship if betrayal can occur so easily. Others refute the idea that loyal partners are vulnerable—even when presented with tempting alternatives. What is the reality? Research reveals some factors to consider.

Spontaneity Versus Strategy

Parvati Varma and Saurabh Maheshwari (2024), in a piece entitled “How Do People Betray in Relationships?”, studied the process of infidelity in dating, including both how it happens, and how it is resolved.[i] They begin by acknowledging that research has examined the motivation behind unfaithfulness, but not the practical reality of how it happens.

Varma and Maheshwari studied 40 individuals (21 men and 19 women) who self-reported infidelity within dating relationships, not marriage. They found two different processes were involved, that cheating was either spontaneous or pre-planned. They describe spontaneous cheating as straying that occurs in the spur of the moment, and planned unfaithfulness as a decision to cheat that was well-thought out in advance.

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They found that spontaneous infidelity began with the entrance of a relational alternative, with a trigger playing a very important role. For pre-planned infidelity, where a partner had time to think, the process began with risk factors, including relationship dissatisfaction or the perpetrator's personal characteristics.

For couples seeking to protect the sanctity of their relationships, it is important to explore how infidelity grows from an idea to action.

Infidelity as a Process: Straying off the Path

Most couples understand that relational straying involves a combination of elements, situational and emotional, and are likely aware of what types of emotions or behaviors their partners would consider as infidelity. Varma and Maheshwari acknowledge this reality, describing infidelity as “any behavior that breaks the trust or the norm of exclusivity that is assumed to be upheld by partners in a commitment.” This could include a variety of extra-relational activities such as dating, emotional involvement, or sexual intimacy.

Varma and Maheshwari describe the process of infidelity as encompassing relationship dissatisfaction, the presence of alternative partners, bonding, triggers, the decision to disclose the betrayal, consequences, and post-infidelity reflection, among others. They describe the initial stage of the process as involving the presence of risk factors, including relationship dissatisfaction as well as personal risk factors including the desire to “explore.” As a practical matter, they note that relational dissatisfaction can stem from interpersonal conflict or even geographical separation, paving the way for pursuing alternatives.

Varma and Maheshwari also acknowledge the emotional aspects of infidelity, describing the process of extra-relational bonding within the context of their research as “the development of an emotional bond, feeling close, increased conversations, sexual/physical attraction, and comfort with the alternative.” This explains how for many partners, an emotional affair precedes a physical one.

Building a Relationship on Solid Ground

From dissatisfaction to distraction, motives for infidelity are diverse. Quality relationships require partners who are committed to caring for each other as well as monitoring their own behavior, avoiding social situations that can be relationally risky. Particularly within a dating context, as was studied by Varma and Maheshwari, commitment and care within couples can keep both partners on the same path, which often leads to the altar.