Is Your Partner Having an Emotional Affair?

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Infidelity is one of the most significant challenges within romantic relationships. Yet some people define it differently, distinguishing between physical affairs and “affairs of the heart.” Both can be devastating, but there are differences.

Emotional affairs are distinct in their total lack of physical intimacy. They don’t even require a partner to be out of sight because romance can begin and flourish online, physically from the same bedroom shared with the innocent partner. Another difference is how it is defined.

Men and Women View Emotional Infidelity Differently

Crosby et al. (2020) examined how men and women view sexual and emotional infidelity, including the role of friendship.ⁱ They discovered that women view emotional infidelity as more damaging to a relationship than sexual infidelity because it may forecast a loss of relational investment, emotional commitment, and resources. They noted that such betrayal might also be costly in that it might predict relational dissolution.

Other research (Guitar et al., 2017) reveals that men and women are able to more consistently define what they consider sexual infidelity than what constitutes emotional infidelity, suggesting that emotional infidelity is a more amorphous, complicated dynamic.ⁱⁱ Both men and women, however, were able to identify specific behaviors within their definition, including deception.

How are such clandestine courtships discovered? Here are some of the ways.

Secrets Signal Suspicion

Emotional affairs do not involve intimacy but secrecy. Unless your spouse is planning your surprise birthday party, secrets have no place in your relationship.

Secrets are often considered a sin of omission. Straying partners might be consistently light on details about a certain part of their day or have installed lock screen software on their device—perhaps for the first time. Secretive behavior is even more telling if it developed over time, which might track the development of a romantic relationship.

Distraction Breeds Disassociation

Many pursuits compete for our time, both concretely and cognitively. Distraction signals a partner is preoccupied thinking about something (other than you); the goal is to discover what it is. Distraction is manifest in preoccupation with supposedly menial tasks, daydreaming, failure to respond appropriately to your questions, and other behavior signaling interpersonal disassociation.

Emotional Absence, Positive or Negative

Many partners suspect infidelity when a partner appears to be physically present yet emotionally absent. The most often cited example is the spouse who is increasingly unaffectionate and distant—usually because they are thinking about their emotional crush.

But emotional absence does not always need to be positive to be suspect. A husband who fails to protest a wife’s suggestion that she take a long business trip or a vacation with friends may be viewed as out of character by a wife who is used to her husband’s desire to spend as much time with her.

Similarly, a husband who cancels plans with his wife for her birthday would expect an appropriate expression of disappointment, which might not be forthcoming from a wife who views the cancellation as an opportunity to spend her special day with her romantic crush instead.

Rebuilding trust is a process that is possible and preferred. As devastating as emotional affairs can be, many couples recover.