Just One More...

"Just one more!" We hear that phrase from the carousers at the corner bar and from a child whose hand is in the candy dish. "Just one more" is synonymous with indulgence and pleasure, and ironically, can be related to emptiness and sadness. As with any behavior, the context needs to be considered. Asking for "Just one more" typically leads to desired, short-term positive reinforcers. It's not always a bad thing to want just one more.
Just one more...
• bottle of beer or glass of wine because you have only had one in the past hour and you're celebrating!
• house pet because you love animals and can properly care for them.
• cookie because you love the taste of fresh baked chocolate chips.
• mile because you're training for a marathon.
• hour at work because you're saving up for a vacation.
• pair of shoes because they're on sale and you love Dolce & Gabbana.
• minute because sometimes you need a break to catch your breath.
Now consider the same behaviors in different contexts.

Just one more...
• bottle of beer or glass of wine because you've already had 4 and one more will stave off the hurt, anger, and regret your feeling after a break-up, job loss, etc.
• house pet because caring for them provides a temporary escape from your obsessive thoughts.
• cookie because after 5 you still feel a void.
• mile because your thoughts say "I'm ugly, fat, unattractive, and out of shape."
• hour at work because you don't want to experience the frustration that is inevitably part of family.
• minute because procrastinating puts off the anxiety.

As you can see, context is critical to determine whether or not a behavior is clinically problematic.

Take for example the story of Kelly. Throughout college, Kelly would enjoy wine with dinner, when she went out with friends, and especially when visiting vineyards with her boyfriend. She even considered becoming a sommelier. The wine consumption was about enjoyment, and "Just one more" referred to extending her socializing, exploring new vintages, and becoming a wine connoisseur. Now that she is approaching her thirties, Kelly is working as an office clerk, and the days of wine and roses are long gone. She now refers to herself as a "well-put together mess." She is dissatisfied by her career, romantic relationships, and fluctuating weight, but you wouldn't know this at first glance. Privately, Kelly is a painfully self-conscious, and desperately tries to suppress distressing thoughts about her appearance, intelligence, and position in life.

Every night when she returns home from work she reaches for a bottle of wine and with each tip of her wine glass, she tries desperately to wash away the anger, resentment, hurt, and fear. "Just one more" leads to three or four more, and it is no long about socializing or exploration. Imbibing the alcohol gives her a way around experiencing her painful private events. In addition, "Just one more" reduces her ability to inhibit having "Just one more," again and again.

Wine has become the "solution" to her problems. Yet the overindulgence in the alcohol solution leads Kelly feeling worse. Her drinking habits have become one more thing to feel distraught about. Family and friends begin to notice Kelly's actions becoming erratic and unpredictable, and she finds herself feeling ashamed, isolated, and depressed.

For Kelly, "Just one more" has been tied with both pleasure and pain. While drinking, she feels pleasure, and after drinking, not only have her problems reappeared, but they have been compounded by avoiding them and adding alcohol abuse into the mix. Her solution has become her problem and she finds herself in a cycle of suffering.
If you're like Kelly, you have probably been on this merry-go-round trying desperately to get off without much luck. Perhaps, your solution to avoiding painful private events has become your problem?
The challenge: Increase willingness to live life even in the presence of painful thoughts, memories, and sensations without needing "Just one more" solution. Because you just might find that the "solution" is the problem. Willingness means actively contacting the way you feel, without defending against your private thoughts and feelings, and moving forward on those action plans that you believe are important in your life.

For Kelly, the impulse to consume alcohol amidst life's inevitable pains provides a temporary respite but never lasting solace. The challenge for her is to increase willingness to simply have and notice what shows up emotionally in her life, and commit to living in the direction of her chosen values in their presence.

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate;
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.
They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.

- Ernest Dowson (1896)

Experiential Exercise:
Do you use "Just one more" as a solution to problems?
How well has that solution been working for you?
Think of the last time you have said those three words: "Just one more."
What were you asking for?
How did one more affect you?
What did you risk for one more?
Who did you hurt for one more?
Was one more worth it?