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It is clear that our county is quite divided. But as a family therapist, I urge us all to focus on what unites us. We are all part of humankind and we have chosen to live in a democratic country. We are in a pandemic and we will not be able to exit it until we can learn to work collaboratively. If we erupt in violence in response to the election results, COVID-19 wins and the “better angels of our nature” lose.
In the years leading up to the pandemic, it seems that social media had already done some serious damage to our collective ability to reason and debate. For years, we have been over-firing our limbic systems, the emotional center of our brain. When we are angry, it is our limbic system that is in control. When we are angry, we are far more likely to say and do things that we will regret when our more evolved brain comes back on board. When we are calm, our prefrontal cortex can guide us and we are more likely to make decisions that foster long-term success.
When the pandemic hit, we were already cognitively weakened by social media and our over-firing emotional brains. The pandemic hijacked our amygdala. Is it any wonder that we have been carelessly tossing binary, hyperbolic insults at anyone and everyone who simply thinks differently than we do?
Passion is a useful human tool, but it must have its power checked and reined in with the more complex part of our brains, the prefrontal cortex. Passion with reason can accomplish almost anything. Unchecked passion leads to hatred and violence. When we label each other as stupid, evil, barbaric, moronic, we’re devaluing each other as human beings and hurting ourselves in the process.
Step 1: Reframe by redefining reality
The key is to cultivate the ability to look past judgment and move to curiosity. Instead of thinking how in the world did this awful thing happen (Trump wins or Biden wins), try thinking how in the world did this curious thing happen? From that vantage point, you can work on understanding the truly complex situation in which we find ourselves. Only through understanding can we create meaningful and lasting change. When we dig our heels in and blame the other, we can’t move forward.
Step 2: Take a break from the news, and from social media (if you can)
While it could be highly beneficial for the entire country to take a 30-day break from the news and social media, you should absolutely try to take some kind of break, even if for a single hour, day, or week. Pay attention to how the world feels when you don’t have others telling you what to think or feel and that the sky is falling. This is not advice that is given lightly. Social media, in a literal cognitive sense, makes the world and other people seem worse than they truly are. After all, a neighbor, a coworker, or a family member is not the enemy simply because they happen to vote differently than you.
Step 3: Remember that the world actually needs liberals and conservatives
While the details may shift from age to age and era to era, humanity has long operated on a general liberal/conservative spectrum. In pre-agrarian human groups, the liberal energy made us wonder what was over that ridge or beyond the mountains. The conservative energy helped us make sure to not tear everything down until the new destination was deemed worthy. The liberal energy made us wonder, “I wonder if I can eat that plant?” And the conservative energy made sure we passed on this knowledge through traditions. Liberalism and conservatism have not always been about politics.
There may be some on the extreme liberal end who want to change everything to something new, and some on the extreme conservative end who want nothing to change, ever. The vast majority of us have always been just a little left or right of center. The news and social media have made it seem like we are worlds apart, but we’re not. Liberals need the traditional foundations of conservatism, and conservatism needs the passion to try new things from the liberals. In reality, we all possess a little bit of both.
On a national level, we have each political party blaming the other for our current state of affairs. It is rarely so simple that only one person or one party created the crisis. It is always a long and complex interplay of many factors seen and unseen.
If we want to rebuild a healthier nation, we need to move beyond the hyperbolic blame game. We need to understand that we live in complex systems and it is hard to get everyone’s needs met. When intentions are good, we can work collaboratively to understand the perspective of the other and advance civilization.
Step 4: Participate in and trust the democratic process
The democratic process is designed to take into account differences of opinion. Checks and balances are in place to make sure that the needs of most will be met and that the system won’t tip too far in the direction of outliers at either end of the spectrum.
Have you been through a personal crisis with a friend, family member, or colleague? Can you recall how hurt or angry you were at the time? How do you feel now with the advantage of time? It takes maturity to listen to others. It takes maturity to think before you react. Our democracy is more than 200 years old. I hope we have developed the maturity to withstand this crisis and emerge kinder and stronger.
Remember, media outlets want your continued attention; they will always highlight the negative. Remember “if it bleeds, it leads.” But can you dig deeper now? Can you accept the decision and move forward in ways that foster rebuilding, not blaming? Not shaming? And certainly not violence!
As Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see.” If your desire is to move towards a more cohesive country that works hard to meet the needs of its citizens, follow Gandhi's sage advice.
In 1983, in an iconic speech, legendary football coach Bo Schembechler at the University of Michigan said, “The team, the team, the team.” We are all on Team Democracy. Let’s make sure it wins.
Now, take a deep breath and help make the world around you a little bit kinder.
