Hook-Up Culture Clash
You don't have to be hooked into hook-up culture
Posted May 17, 2010
I'm just a novice in the study of hook-up culture. In fact, I just recently heard this phrase for the first time in November while visiting a Catholic relationship site. (note: I am not Catholic nor looking for a Catholic relationship; just curious about what such a site might contain.)
College professor and author Christine Whelan writes about the evolution of the hook-up and also reveals some pretty shocking facts, such as, more than half of college relationships begin with a hook-up.
In a 2001 national study, many college women reported "hooking up," which was defined as when a girl and guy get together for a physical encounter and don't necessarily expect anything further."
Now, the million dollar question is, what exactly does a "physical encounter" entail?
Whelan says no one knows, and that is precisely the problem.
"If you hear tales of many friends ‘hooking up' and you assume that it's sex, then you would also assume that everyone else is having a lot more sex than you are. Then, when you're in an intimate situation, you might go farther sexually than you might otherwise feel comfortable doing, because you think that ‘everyone's doing it.'"
But everyone's not doing it, according to Whelan and a host of recent research studies. In fact, most undergrads are probably not doing it at all.
A related issue is the term, "doing it." A recent study conducted at the University of Indiana found that there is no consensus on what "sex" is. Only 95 percent of those surveyed (ages ranged between 18 to 96) agree that vaginal sex is sex! Whereas 81 percent considere anal sex is sex, and around 72 percent believe oral sex constitutes "sexual relations."
These studies scare me. I'm not an alabaster virgin or anything, but hook-up culture, especially in a world where Lady Gaga has made clothes optional and when Britney Spears wearing a bra makes headline 
news, I can't help but think that women are getting screwed, big time. (Double entendre intended.
I'll be the first to admit my own foray into hook-up culture. It happened about five years ago, and back then, we called it "rebound sex." It was a euphemism that justified casual sex, because we were recuperating from a past relationship. It was almost like physical therapy for the soul.
It was bad. What exactly? Everything. My mom was right: Good intimacy requires love.
The hooking up lasted a couple of months, before I realized that my self worth was deteriorating-- I was feeling empty and ugly.
It was hands down the biggest mistake I've ever made, but necessary. I have not experienced another hook-up (can't call it a relationship, because that's exactly what it isn't) since.
It seems like everyone I know has enjoyed one or a dozen of these kinds of encounters. And the frequency is growing. It seems as if people are just hooking up these days and dating has become a stock option with very little incentive to buy.
I'm no expert on today's youth, even though I still get carded for rated-R movies. I am a "sexting" virgin and only learned the term on "Degrassi Jr. High," a Canadian television show that is my portal to youth culture. I discovered Justin Bieber an hour ago. I still long for the days of Zack Morris and remember when 
dating was as easy as slapping a buddy band on a hot girl's wrist and asking, "Will you go out with me?"
Nowadays, "Will you go out with me?" has been replaced with a 2 a.m. booty call or the always eloquent, "What are u up 2?"
The role of women in relationships has shifted tremendously. More and more women are hitting on guys, asking them out, and paying for/cooking all of their meals. One might argue that this is a positive shift for women's lib and independence, but not me. I think that it's a recipe for an unfulfilling relationship.
Dating coach and author Evan Marc Katz agrees:
"1) Should women ask out men on first dates?
No. No, they should not. Women asking men on first dates can be taken as aggressive, desperate, and masculine. At the very least, it can signify a loss of power. So I wouldn´t recommend that you ever utter the words, 'Would you like to go out with me?' to any men."
I still prefer old school romance to today's new bizarro world of women courting men. I like knowing that a guy likes me, because he has asked me out. If he doesn't ask me out, he doesn't like me. It's that easy and oh-so preferable to "game playing." Truth is, if he's playing games, he probably doesn't think too highly of you.
Katz astutely continues:
With guys who are alpha male types - confident, secure, good with women - yeah, if he´s not asking you out, he´s just not that into you. Type A men know that they need to ask out women, and are usually adept at doing so. However, if you have the hots for the cute, quiet guy in IT, he may be totally into you, but be too shy to do anything.
Maybe the trouble is women assume that most men are the "cute, quiet guy in IT" or "just too shy to do anything," so they think it's okay to take the reigns in the relationship.
But I've found in my own experiences and my peers' real-life scenarios, that men can't be pressured into a commitment. Even if he gives in in the beginning, the demise is inevitable.
I think this is the reason why hook-up culture is as prevalent as it is. Women hope that by giving their milk away for free, men will eventually start to depend on that milk and fall in love with it. Soon, they will buy the entire farm and open up a Dairy Queen, featuring just your delicious milk.
But reality, I think, is something vastly different. It's like the idea of a free sample. Sure, it's great in the beginning, but why is it always free? Was there a defect at the factory? Is it a model that no one likes? Is it poisoned?
No one wants to end up with a free sample, especially smart, attractive and successful men who know they can have anything they want. The men that I have described are never dating the girls they are hooking up with. They are dating the women who they must woo, properly.
Being a "secret girlfriend" or hearing from someone only when you are in your pajamas is a bad sign.
Sadly, this means, not too many folks are dating at all. Guys know they can get free sample sex, and girls feel like they have to be free samples in order to win the attention of these attractive guys-- welcome to hook-up culture in your twenties.
So how do you escape this vicious cycle (assuming you would like to)? Do the one thing that Millennials simply refuse to:
Be patient.
As Wesley from "The Princess Bride" wisely said,
"This is true love - you think this happens every day?"
Note: I realize that there are those of you who have cultivated happy, successful relationships that have resulted from hook-ups. However, the majority of these situations do not bode well. Consider yourselves lucky: mazel tov, felicitations, omedetou, congratulations! The truth is, hook-up culture hurts women.
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