The Return of Lavender Marriages

Back in the last century, when one half of a couple was gay or lesbian and married a straight partner for reasons of convenience or avoiding the social shaming prevalent in those days, it was labelled a “lavender marriage.” This was particularly true with celebrity couples, and their individual sexual orientations remained secret.

Source: Istock by Getty / Credit: Javier Dall

Today, however, things are becoming more open, and the meaning of lavender marriages is changing. The New York Times recently ran an article about Samantha Greenstone, who identifies as straight, and Jacob Hoff, who identifies as gay. After being close friends for 18 months, they realized how deeply they cared for each other and then married. Their eight-year monogamous marriage is not one of convenience, like lavender marriages of the past. Rather they describe each other as “soulmates,” bonded as if they were together in a past life. They often share their partnering experience on TikTok, and it has drawn a flood of responses, from anger, disbelief, and ridicule to gratitude that someone is openly talking about it.

Others who are responding to the idea of mixed orientation relationships are doing so for financial reasons or because they are tired of being rejected or cheated on by their same-sex dates. And the truth is that more and more younger couples under 40 are choosing to partner with someone of a different sexual orientation. Many women are reporting on social media as well as in my office that they prefer a bisexual man because they find them to be more accepting and open minded and better communicators, especially about intimacy.

The Differences and Similarities Between Lavender Marriages and the New Mixed Marriages

While the story of Samantha and Jacob is fascinating, it is not typical of the mixed orientation marriages (MOMs) I see in my practice. With lavender marriages, the couple goes into the marriage knowingly. With what I have termed, “the new mixed marriage” the couple does not know. Instead, usually it is one half of the couple that comes out as gay or bisexual and the straight partner discovers the secret later. Lesbians and bisexual women tend to be out to their male partners more often than not because there is permission and less stigma for her to have interest in women, or for the male partner to find that titillating. Women married to gay or bi men, on the other hand, usually have no idea because usually he hasn’t shared his interest in men with his partner.

The similarities are that people who discover that a couple is in a mixed orientation marriage often react the same way they would when learning about an infidelity. Whether or not the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse has even acted on their sexual and erotic interests doesn’t seem to matter to many people. The simple fact that they are not the same orientation triggers many people, even if the couple themselves are totally comfortable with their arrangement.

Therapist Biases and Judgments

Providing therapy to these couples can be brutal, both for the compassionate therapist and for the couple. Typically, the couple has been to other therapists before coming to see me, and I hear the judgments and biases to which they have been subjected—the LGBT spouse is using the straight spouse as a beard and cover, injuring the straight spouse; both spouses must leave the relationship and allow the other to move on with their lives; and so on. I attribute this kind of advice to the therapist’s own countertransference and bias, their own baggage. They just pile on the guilt and judgment. I do not work this way nor have any agenda for these couples. My agenda is to help them find their way with or without each other as a partner, but to do so in their own ways.

Many of these couples don’t want to split up. They are trying to stay together. They are best friends. They are great co-parents. They manage their finances well and, despite others’ disbelief, they are having a satisfying sex life. The key here is that they fell in love with the person, not that person’s sexual orientation. Gender is secondary to the bond they feel. Samantha and Jacob’s story is a great illustration of this. They are each other’s “person” regardless of sexual orientation. They fell in love.

For the therapist, it is much easier if the two parties are sitting far apart flipping each other the bird than seeing the agony they’re experiencing trying to find a way to make the relationship work, to rise above the social judgments and feelings of betrayal.

So, instead I try to utilize interventions to deal with the straight spouse’s reactivity around their feelings of betrayal and hurt, and the lesbian/gay/bisexual spouse’s guilt. I try to help the couple decide what’s best for them, unlike their past therapists whose own reactivity gets in the way.

People who discover that a couple is in a mixed orientation marriage often react the same way.

Infidelity Response

As mentioned above, whether or not the gay, lesbian or bisexual spouse has even acted on their sexual and erotic interests doesn’t seem to matter to many people. I call this an “infidelity response.” In other words, the simple fact that they are not the same orientation triggers many people even if the couple themselves are totally comfortable with their arrangement. They futurize that the straight spouse will eventually be cheated on and be abandoned. If the gay or lesbian spouse has already cheated, they scare the couple into believing, “once a cheater always a cheater.”

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LGBT Bias

Many in the LGBT community have a huge issue with gay men not identifying as bi when they are in relationship with women. “If you are able to be sexual with her that means you are bisexual” they shout. They see sexual orientation reduced to an act rather than an identity.

If what they say is true, this would mean that every gay man ever married or having been sexual with a woman would be bi, and this is not at all true. Gay men can enjoy sleeping with women. Lesbians can enjoy sleeping with men. Straight women can be sexual with other women and straight men can have sex with men.

I have spent my 40-year career teaching this: Your sexual orientation is not based on a behavior. It is based on the gender to whom you are attracted. Still, people are unable to hear it or believe it. In particular, many I’ve met in the current generation believe that if you do it you are it. This is incorrect and not a healthy way of viewing one’s orientation, and it causes problems for others struggling with identity issues.

Personally, and professionally, I feel that the openness and honesty exemplified by the mixed orientation couple, Samantha and Jacob, is healthy. And I love Samantha’s quote in an article for the online media outlet, Betches: “We kind of want to be that example that starts to normalize these dynamics,” she says. “If people do find themselves feeling the way that we feel, we want them to see that this relationship exists on the spectrum of possibilities.”

I couldn’t have said it better.