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Understanding Twins
Reducing Conflict in Twin Families During the Holidays
Seasonal celebrations can be rough for twins, but managing expectations helps.
Posted November 5, 2024 Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Most certainly, winter holidays are special, longed-for good times for children, parents, and close friends. Unfortunately, holidays can also be difficult because of the deep belief that families who try to get along should be able to get along quite harmoniously. The time, money, and emotions that are invested, along with special gifts that are given and received from close family and friends, can make for an exciting, or sometimes, disappointing, holiday.
A well-planned holiday event can remain a cherished memory to hold onto for many years. But when chaos and gossip rule the event, memories rooted in resentment can be hard to discard. Because of the natural and unique focus on competition and comparison in twin families, an extra layer of stress is inevitable. A joyfully anticipated celebration can become a challenging experience for some guests who were invited to this potentially nerve-racking experience. The observations and suggestions that follow are taken from my professional and personal experiences and talking to friends and relatives about their winter holidays.
A Bad Start: Are You Two Getting Along?
Gifts, good food, and playful interactions with children make the holidays special, and adults enjoy seeing relatives and friends who live out of town. Unfortunately, twin families often have more expectations for getting along at the holidays than non-twin families. Mom will call her twins and say, “Are you two getting along now? Please don’t fight in front of the guests.” These words, which might have seemed innocuous to the speaker, create pressure and self-consciousness. Underneath the over-focus on getting along and not fighting is the baggage of previous fights. Each twin thinks they are right no matter what the argument. Fighting begins and ends with anger and resentment, which sometimes carries over to every following family event.
For example, my twin and I have ongoing competitive issues, and at times no communication between us is resolvable. In the wake of a conflict, we both go to the next family event armed with hostility and a really bad attitude, based on our last, and every other, interaction. We look carefully for an ally from our family to take our side concerning who is right and who is wrong. It is hard for guests not to see the open or underground fighting that is taking place alongside beautiful gifts and delicious food. Just thinking about the holiday parties makes me a little crazy, or better yet, confused. I am still looking for a way to resolve this problem.
Overcoming the Twin Comparison Trap
What seems to help is planning holiday events carefully. Not changing plans after they are made is critical, as changes create unhappiness. Fighting for twins begins with a single small insult or misunderstanding that can grow into a character assault. For example, Twin A will say to her sister, “You did a beautiful job of putting this Christmas party together. You are so lucky to have a rich husband who lets you be a stay-at-home mom.”
Twin B will answer: “You are really drowning in your jealousy.”
The fight is on, and stopping it won’t be easy.
Talk with your family and even your guests about how to avoid comparisons between twins and why it is so important, being so potentially hurtful. As a parent, talk with your twins about how they might deal with bothersome comparison questions. Be sure to give each twin a special present (such as individual undivided attention or a bite of a beloved food) that their sister or brother did not get, to reinforce individuality.
Reduce Expectations and Encourage Closeness
It will help you feel closer to your twin if you can share an intimate insight or positive story about your relationship. For example: “I am so sorry you have to go to Dallas for the holiday. I know you really feel trapped at your in-law’s house.”
Remember, the winter holidays are especially hard for twins because these are events that (are supposed to) celebrate harmony and love. Try harder to be kindhearted. Accept that twins have different issues to deal with than single-born children.
Mistakes to Avoid
1. Do not ask for an apology for past misunderstandings. Apologies can amplify the disagreement, stretching out the argument further.
2. Do not pretend that there was not a “last fight.” This creates distrust between twins and more anger.
3. Do not try to find an ally who supports your side. Friends cannot help either twin become “innocent.”
Helpful Strategies
1. Stay in the present moment. For example, “I love your new dress.” “The food is really good this year, isn’t it?”
2. Do not bring up old arguments to support your point of view, as this will intensify competition and fighting.
3. Don’t manipulate a situation. Your twin will not support you just because you are supporting them. For example, saying “I am proud of you” will most likely not help because it will be perceived negatively.
4. Keep any talks or meetings short and focused on the main issues. “What is for dinner?” “What time are we opening presents?”
5. Avoid comparison, competition, and criticism, no matter what.
