Can We All Get Along?

Source: Christina Morillo/StockSnap

On March 3, 1991, Rodney G. King was horribly beaten by the LAPD. Viewed all over the world, the infamous footage became a visceral symbol of police brutality and the long-standing racial tensions in the U.S. I was 18 years old, finishing up my last year of high school in Los Angeles County.

The LA riots that followed the acquittal of the police officers who beat King resulted in 63 deaths, over 2300 injuries, and close to a billion dollars in material damages. In the midst of a city burning with destruction and despair, King made a televised appearance. He was emotional. His words were raw, urgent, and unrehearsed. “Can we all get along?” he asked.

There were many who were angry by what King said; they believed he was conciliatory and even undermined a righteous rebellion. I personally wondered the same thing. But the 24/7 images of poor and disenfranchised neighborhoods being completely decimated also didn’t feel right either. It was complicated.

Twenty-eight years later, King’s question still rings hauntingly true.

Can we all get along?

If our exchanges on news outlets and social media are any indicators, the answer seems to be a clear and resounding No! Beyond the full exercise of our first amendment rights, as evidenced by the colorful and unapologetic diversity of views, there is an irrefutable, unrelenting, and growing tension of merciless vitriol and animus. And any enduring signs of basic decency and respect seem fleeting at best.

There is much to debate critically and disagree passionately today than ever before – institutional racism, climate justice, income inequality, reproductive rights, etc. Against this backdrop, anger and outrage are to be expected. But even with defensible anger, is there no room for common decency and respect? Are we not able to “get along” enough to work together? If so, what mess are we leaving behind for our children to clean up?

We must engage differently. We can be fiercely passionate and also respond from a place of grace and wisdom. We have to be responsible for moving the needle in the direction of progress, instead of emboldening the ever-deepening divide.

Constructive conversations about challenging and even controversial topics are possible. But first and foremost, we need to start with ourselves. We can all use a major reset and lots of practice. Here are some suggestions from the Kim Constructive Conversations Model (Kim & del Prado, 2019) to get us moving.

• Pause. Slow it down. Take a mindful breath or two.
• Consciously choose to lead with your values, including basic decency and respect. This is less about the other person and more about you.
• Tame your strong emotions. This does NOT mean your emotions are illegitimate or unjustified. Instead, it’s a simple reminder of what we already know to be true: It’s wise to speak with a clear and level head and not when we are intoxicated on strong emotions.
• Choose your words wisely and deliberately. Consider the subtle yet important difference between reacting and responding. Aim for the latter.
• Listen. This is the most challenging and underutilized communication tool in any relationship. Yet it is one of the most effective and impactful. Remember the proverb: Deep rivers move with silent majesty; shallow brooks are noisy. Listen fully. Listen to understand.
• Give others the benefit of the doubt. This might mean noticing intentions – others and yours. Yes, the impact of our words and actions matter, but so do our intentions. Generosity of spirit is powerful and contagious. The more you give, the more you will receive in return.

Rodney King ended his 1992 speech with these final words: “Let’s try to work it out.”

Today, in 2019, I can't think of a more worthy and noble endeavor for us all.