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Relationships
Resentment's Toll on Sexual Intimacy
How resentment steals the passion.
Posted November 22, 2024 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Resentment suppresses intimacy by creating emotional distance and reducing sexual desire, often unconsciously
- Resentment starts as a way to protect against emotional pain but can erode trust and connection.
- Unaddressed resentment fosters cycles of withdrawal and detachment, damaging the physical bond
- Acknowledging resentment and unmet needs is crucial to rebuilding intimacy and restoring sexual relationship.
In a previous article, I shared the perspective that, even when it can be a protector, resentment can also be a quiet emotional undercurrent with an impact that ripples through many aspects of life. One of the areas most affected is intimacy in relationships.
It’s not uncommon for clients to report that they’re no longer having sex with their spouses or partners: they may hardly have touched their spouse in more than a decade, only have sex when drunk, or “accept” having sex sporadically. Many times, we discover that the issue is not a lack of desire or low libido, but the presence of resentment.
While resentment can sometimes act as a protective buffer, helping us cope with feelings of powerlessness and shielding us from feelings of defeat, it can also quietly erode the foundation of trust, connection, and intimacy necessary for a fulfilling sexual relationship. When left unchecked, resentment creates distance, undermines the emotional safety essential for connection, and fosters negative thoughts and desires.
In this article, we’ll explore how resentment plays this role quietly, but also how to recognize and address resentment to rebuild intimacy and connection.
The Nature of Resentment in Relationships
At its core, resentment arises from repressed anger and a deep sense of being oppressed in the need to express the reasons behind those feelings. Essentially, it’s a product of unresolved grievances or perceived injustices. It often begins subtly—an unspoken frustration here, a dismissed need there—and gradually builds up. Unlike anger, resentment can be hidden behind politeness, routine, submissiveness, or a desire to avoid conflict, making it hard to detect until it becomes a problem.
In relationships, resentment builds when one partner feels neglected, treated unfairly, unreciprocated, or silenced. For example, if one partner constantly feels undervalued or unappreciated and stays quiet—either hoping things will change or feeling they don’t have the right to ask for recognition—that silence can transform into resentment toward the other. On the surface, everything might seem fine, but underneath, there’s anger that hasn’t had the chance to surface as a protest or demand. This resentment often stems from a power dynamic where the resented partner is treated as if they’re less important or internally feels as though they are somehow “less” than the other.
Resentment and Its Impact on Sexual Connection
Sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, emotional connection, and trust—all of which can be undermined by resentment. Sexual desire is often tied to feelings of affection, admiration, and emotional closeness, but resentment suppresses these emotions, leading to a decline in desire. This isn’t always a conscious decision—resentment can subtly and unconsciously dampen sexual interest.
Additionally, resentment can manifest as passive resistance, such as withholding affection or intimacy. While this may not always be a deliberate act of retaliation, it reflects the underlying emotional disconnect that resentment creates. Healthy communication about needs, preferences, and boundaries is often missing, making it even harder to navigate challenges or address issues in the sexual relationship.
How Resentment Becomes a Vicious Cycle
One of the most damaging aspects of resentment is its ability to create a self-perpetuating cycle. When resentment is left unaddressed, the partner harboring it may withdraw emotionally and physically. This withdrawal can leave the other partner feeling confused, rejected, or even resentful in return, further widening the emotional divide.
For example, if one partner resents the other for being inattentive or dismissive, they might avoid initiating intimacy. In response, the other partner, sensing the withdrawal, might react with defensiveness or detachment, reinforcing the growing emotional and physical distance between them.
Recognizing the Signs of Resentment in Your Relationship
Recognizing that resentment is present and affecting your relationship is the first step toward addressing it. You might notice that your conversations have become superficial, with one or both of you avoiding deeper emotional or personal topics. Touches, hugs, or other non-sexual gestures of intimacy may have grown less frequent.
Steps to Address Resentment and Rebuild Intimacy
Addressing resentment takes self-awareness, open communication, and a willingness to confront difficult emotions. Release the accumulated emotional burden through the following steps:
- Recognize Unmet Needs: Identify what hasn’t been fulfilled—validation, approval, recognition, safety, loyalty, attention, or maybe misunderstandings that are waiting to be cleared.
- Acknowledge Resentment: Recognize the role resentment has played in your relationship, both for yourself and your partner.
- Communicate Sincerely: Express your feelings and needs openly.
- Consider Therapy: Seek couples counseling to address harmful patterns and rebuild connection with the help of an objective witness.
- Practice Appreciation: Focus on the positives in your relationship and recognize that resentment is a biological mechanism meant to protect you. The brain doesn’t always account for the emotional consequences of its basic survival strategies.
- Confess Your Hurt: Share how much pain you’ve been holding inside. Even if repair doesn’t come immediately from your partner, acknowledging it will help you heal.
- Take Accountability: Reflect on how your own actions or silence may have contributed to the cycle.
- And yes, sex. Among all the techniques you can learn and practice to regulate your emotions — like breathing and meditating — to reconnect with your partner through sex provides very efficacious hormone production to make you feel good and bonded. It creates “light” between you and your partner and brings you closer.
Getting rid of your grudges creates space for joy. Working toward understanding and peace of mind can bring you closer to the fulfilling romantic and sexual life that resentment may have quietly deprived you of. Resentment creates a lose/lose dynamic. Trust that you will be heard, and things can begin to improve.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
