Exploring Ambivalence

Are you feeling equally drawn and repelled by the paths before you? This tug-of-war within us is known as ambivalence, a common human experience, especially when facing change. Ambivalence is part of the change process; understanding its nature and navigating through it can lead to profound personal growth.

Ambivalence is being pushed or pulled in at least two opposite directions. The more you move towards one choice, the clearer its disadvantages become, and the more its opposite appeals. Ambivalence can sometimes lead us to give up on trying to change.

The Four Faces of Ambivalence

1. Approach/Approach: Caught between two desirable outcomes, we often wonder, "What if I had chosen the other?"
2. Avoidance/Avoidance: Faced with two unpleasant choices, we feel damned if we do, damned if we don't.
3. Approach/Avoidance: A single choice presents both appealing and unappealing outcomes, leaving us oscillating between moving closer and pulling away.
4. Double Approach/Avoidance: Two options, each with their own set of pros and cons, pull us in different directions, making it hard to settle on one.

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The Stages of Change Model

Developed by DiClemente and Prochaska, this model includes stages of pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance, guiding us through the process of change. Ambivalence is a hallmark of the contemplation stage of change. If left unresolved, a person could contemplate change for decades. Yet, it's a stage that we all move through as we prepare to do something new. So? How do we compassionately and effectively work with ambivalence in ourselves and others, so that we find ourselves preparing for change, and taking action?

Listening to Yourself: The Key to Resolving Ambivalence

Perhaps you haven't been able to move forward because you haven’t really heard from yourself and attended to your needs. Gordon’s 12 Roadblocks to communication remind us of the ways we might not be listening to ourselves, including ordering, warning, moralizing, advising, criticizing, arguing, avoiding, interrogating, shaming, etc. Compassionately and curiously explore the competing motivation that gets in the way of the change you want to make. The part of you that does not want to change says something like, “DON’T CHANGE! BECAUSE IF YOU DO _______” What is scary to let go of? What will you lose if you do something different? Change, even "good change," involves loss. Perhaps if you stop drinking alcohol, you won't have as much fun when you meet up with your buddies on Thursdays. Maybe that promotion consumes creative energy that you reserve for a hobby. Leaving that relationship means you will experience more loneliness for a while. Fully validate the fear, sadness, guilt, and anger that might come up as a result of change.

Amplifying Change Talk

Any time ambivalence comes up in my life or the lives of my clients, I think about an acronym from Motivational Interviewing: DARN. This stands for "Desire, Reason, Ability, Need." When you need that push to move into preparing for change, begin sharing out loud your desire, ability, reasons, need for the change you are trying to make. Really hear yourself saying why this change is important:

• Desire: What do you want about the change you are trying to make? How do you want your life to be different a year from now? How does this change support you and your loved ones?
• Ability: What do you already know how to do that will help you make the change? What support or new learning do you need? Who is on your team to support change?
• Reasons: If you make this change, how will your life change for the better? What are the advantages of this change? How does this benefit you and the people you care about most?
• Need: What is the importance/urgency of the change? Why now? What will you lose if you don't change?

Taking Action: Revisiting Habits

In James Clear's excellent book, Atomic Habits, he skillfully prepares us to take action by helping us structure our lives to support our new commitments. His four steps for making new habits and breaking bad habits can help us step off the hamster wheel of ambivalence. When implementing a change, consider the following:

• Make It Obvious: Write down your behavior, time, and location. Use habit stacking (pair your new behavior after something you already do), and design your environment to support the change (e.g. have those running shoes right by the front door).
• Make It Attractive: Pair actions you want to do with those you need to do (e.g. the right Audible book while you clean the house). Join a culture where your desired behavior is normal.
• Make It Easy: Reduce friction and prime your environment. Use the Two-Minute Rule and automate your habits.
• Make It Satisfying: Use reinforcement, track your habits, and never miss twice.

Breaking Bad Habits

• Make it difficult: Reduce exposure and remove cues.
• Make It Unattractive: Reframe your mindset and highlight the benefits of avoiding bad habits.
• Increase friction: Increase the steps between you and your bad habits.
• Make it unsatisfying: Get an accountability partner and create a habit contract.

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By understanding and working through ambivalence, we can find the motivation to embrace change and grow. Remember, ambivalence is part of the change process, and working with it is part of the journey.