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3 Skills Teens Can Develop to Have a Healthy Relationship With Technology

How shifting our thinking and speaking about technology use can empower kids.

Key points

  • Technology is here to stay, so think about your relationship with it.
  • Teens can develop skills to improve their relationship with technology and how they use it.
  • Cultivating intentionality in technology use increases one's sense of responsibility.
Source: antoniodiaz/Shutterstock
Source: antoniodiaz/Shutterstock

Studies have shown that teens spend between seven to nine hours daily online, and parents often may have limited and, at times, no knowledge of how they spend their time online.

As a parent to a teen and a pre-teen, I have often found myself preoccupied with fear over what their young brains are exposed to and digesting and struggling with discerning the best online way to manage their time. Stripping it away altogether, while tempting, is not realistic. Tech is here and an important avenue for socialization and information, and development. Implementing time limits, access to certain apps, and rules around use works to a point, yet it is not foolproof, nor does it offer enough safeguards.

The Impact

According to a recent public advisory put forth by the United States surgeon general Vivek Murthy, social media use may result in “profound risk” to young people. At a time when the critical brain structures associated with judgment, impulse control, and social engagement are still being formed, teens are being exposed to information that is powerful and can alter their brain structures.

The associated dangers include depression, anxiety, loneliness, cyberbullying, exposure to predatory behavior, insomnia, obesity, privacy intrusion, and exacerbation of ADHD symptoms. With the advent of artificial intelligence and its widely accessible ChatGPT platform, there is a danger that this technology may have a direct impact on our children’s ability to develop their creativity and intellectual authenticity. As one teen mentioned to me, “I'll just ask ChatGPT to write my paper.”

Teaching Teens to Become Empowered Tech Users

Technology is here to stay and has been a gift in many ways. It has enhanced our ability to learn, produce, connect, and organize our lives more efficiently and productively. Our teens' relationship with technology and social platforms will only intensify in the years to come, and it's vital that we find a way for them to develop a healthy relationship with it rather than control it. In reflecting on my own journey as a parent and that of the parents and teens I work with in my practice, I believe there are three skills needed that can help us help our kids manage their technological life:

1. Reconceptualize the “relationship” we have with technology.

Often we look at technology as a “tool” or “device” and objectify it. By switching our and our kids' concept of technology from it being an object that we use to an entity that we are “engaging with,” via how often we invite it into our lives and the influence it can have in our lives can begin to increase awareness of how many choices they can have in how they engage with it.

Also, when we start with questions such as, “What type of relationship would you like to have with technology and social media?”, “how much influence do you want it to have in your life?” or “How much time would you want to spend online?” “How do you feel inside when you stare at your screen for an hour straight?” as opposed to making a declaration of “You should not spend so much time online,” we provide our kids the opportunity to reflect upon their own experiences, to learn to think differently and feel empowered in making choices about their use and help them learn to be more mindful and aware of how their online use is impacting their emotional, psychological and physical self. Cultivating openness to reflect on their relationship with technology will help increase their mindfulness and sense of judgment concerning their online use.

2. Empower the development of a safety template.

It’s crucial kids understand the dangers associated with technology and social media use. It's not surprising that just recently, the Presidential Panel of the American Psychological Association advised implementing a social media literacy training program to ensure teens are aware of the possible dangers of online use. Yet, as parents, when we speak about our “safety” concerns for our kids, it's not uncommon for them to shut down or tune us out.

Speaking about safety without fear and in a manner that is matter of fact and with options for choices of how to enjoy the technology in a safe way can help move this necessary conversation in a more productive manner. Asking our kids how they define safety first is important to gauge where they are at. Then provide a definition of what is unsafe as anything that can hurt you both physically and mentally in how you think about yourself, and your body, anything that can cause you to compare yourself negatively to others, anything that makes you feel sad, violates your privacy or feels weird and creepy. Creating a safety template and keeping it accessible via casual conversation is a way to help kids and teens hone their judgment about what they expose themselves to.

3. Teach our teens to be proactive and not reactive users.

If our young tech users have a sense of clarity regarding their intentions and goals regarding their online use, they can feel more in control and be proactive rather than reactive. Helping our teens connect with their values and reasons for engaging with different platforms, talking with them about what they feel like and get out of certain times spent online, certain apps and information they are looking at, asking them what is important to them can help them be more purposeful in their use.

Best Practices Framework for Teens Staying Safe Online

As parents and caregivers, we try our best to monitor, supervise and observe our young technology users. However, relying only on defensive behavior will only reinforce passivity, guardedness, and defensiveness in our kids and teens. It's important to empower our kids and teens to be active collaborators and join in the conversation with us. Empathy, curiosity, non-judgment, and creating a holding space for exploring what they are experiencing online are vital when navigating these and many matters.

We don't want to get lost in the role of preacher and teacher but rather help them reflect on how their technology use is impacting them and others and how to be independent thinkers. Sometimes asking simple questions such as, “What did you see interesting online today? How did you feel about it? What did you like/not like? Did you post anything you would like to share with me? Why did you post it? How did posting or going on a certain online platform help you?” can go a long way in helping our young users become more reflective and aware users.

A wise professor once told me, “My goal is not to teach you what to think but rather how to think.'' I can't think of a more relevant piece of wisdom in this rapidly changing and complex, technologically-driven world.


American Psychological Association. (May 9, 2023). APA Panel issues recommendations for adolescent social media use (Press release).…

Richtel, M., Pearson, C., & Levenson, M. (May 23, 2023). Surgeon General Warns That Social Media May Harm Children and Adolescents. The New York Times.…

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