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Last month, we explored the idea that we each create our own emotional response in any situation. In other words, we are never responding simply to an event or circumstance. Instead, we are responding to the conversation in our head about it. This is both good news and bad. The bad news, if this is true, is that we can no longer play victim, blaming circumstances for our persistent unhappiness. The good news is, we have the potential to change our responses – along with our feelings and experience – in any situation. This is not to say that life is not difficult and that some challenges are not heartbreaking and overwhelming. Instead, it suggests that by knowing we have a possibility of changing our response to any disturbance, we can always hope and work toward a better present or future.
A useful definition of self-esteem is what we say to ourselves when life is not going well. In other words, during our most difficult times, do we nurture and encourage ourselves, or do we hear a harsh voice inside that judges and punishes us, making bad situations worse? If the answer is that our inner voice is making things worse, it is possible to “reprogram” it. We mentioned this last month when we introduced the idea of the “Tabernacle Choir” (see February, 2017 blog).
The steps to reprogramming a harsh inner voice are, as they say in AA, simple but not easy. The first challenging step is to realize and acknowledge that our harsh inner voices can be changed. The voice we hear is not us…it is “software” that has been created across time. It can be uninstalled, and new software can be added to take its place.
A useful exercise to master this awareness is to place a post-it or 3x5 card on your bathroom mirror, car dashboard, desk, or other frequently encountered location posing the following question: “If I had the choice, what would I rather be feeling right now?” For example, if I am shaving and I see this on my mirror as I’m getting ready for a challenging day at work, I might answer “I’d rather be grateful that I woke up to live another day; grateful for my health; and grateful for a having good job.” Now, saying this changes nothing immediately of course. However, if I do this faithfully, I am giving my brain an alternative to finding excuses to justify my grumpiness, and I’m opening it up to the idea that another response is possible. Our brains can only do what they can imagine. With enough repetition of the question “If I had a choice, what would I rather be feeling right now?” we can no longer justify our automatic reactions to situations. Instead, we will begin imagining more useful possibilities. How long is “long enough” varies, but usually this takes a minimum of several weeks of daily practice.
Once this first step is mastered, you will find that you automatically begin to create new possibilities for responding whenever you are upset. The next step, then, is to rehearse the voice you want to hear. This is the supportive, enthusiastic “Tabernacle Choir” voice described in last month’s blog. Initially, most of us have trouble imagining a Tabernacle Choir voice. The easiest way to start is to pretend that you are talking to your child or best friend. If they were experiencing a challenge, what would you say to them, and in what tone of voice? These are the words and the tone you would use in talking to yourself. For example, perhaps you are going through a relationship break-up. The harsh inner voice is pounding away, calling you a loser and reminding you of your flaws, both real and imagined. Debating the harsh voice or telling it to stop doesn’t work, as you no doubt have discovered. However, practicing the use of a Tabernacle Choir voice will make a difference. Over time, a nurturing tone will begin to replace the harsh voice. It’s somewhat similar to learning a foreign language; with much practice, it is no longer foreign.
Going back to the example above, one version of the Tabernacle Choir voice might sound like this: “It takes great courage to love and to risk being vulnerable and open with another person. You did your best. You have no control over what others do. I’m proud of you for loving yourself and loving another soul the best way you knew how. It’s okay to be sad and afraid and angry. Life will get better.” Your version may be shorter, or include different ideas or words. The goal, however, is to choose words and say them – preferably aloud – in a nurturing tone. If you are not familiar with talking to yourself in this way, it may feel a bit strange or uncomfortable at first. However, with repeated practice a few times each day or more, the harsh inner voice can be slowly transformed.
Changing what we say to ourselves when life is difficult is one of the most important tasks in life. This is what heals the most important relationship in life – our relationship with ourselves. With a harsh inner voice, we have no peace, and happiness is out of our reach. When someone compliments us at work or says “I love you” at home, a harsh voice shouts “wait until they discover what an impostor you are.” With a loving, compassionate voice inside, we are able to achieve more success in life. Even more importantly, we are able to enjoy our lives more.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the pain itself, but to your estimate of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any minute.
- Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor, 160 A.D.
