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Dear Dr. G.,
I feel like I'm going through a living hell. I have been married for 15 years. My marriage is in terrible shape. My husband ignores me and always seems to do anything he can to avoid spending time with me. He insults me constantly. I've gained 10 pounds after having 2 kids and he points that out constantly asking me why I can't look like other thinner women. Believe me, I try to eat right and exercise but it is not easy to lose weight. My husband had an affair several years ago and I have had a very difficult time trusting him since then. He and I have each been in individual and marriage counseling (twice) but it doesn't seem to help.
It is clear to me that I need and want to get a divorce. I think I would be happier without him. Here is my question and conflict though. My kids are 12 and 14. They are both girls. I've been thinking that I should stay in the marriage until both kids are off to college because that might be better for them. I just don't know if I should wait that long. Please help and advise. I'll be grateful for any advice.
A Confused Mother,
Dear Mother,
I get this question often. Should I wait until the kids are off to college before getting a divorce? I believe that many parents think that college kids are somehow immune to the profound sense of loss that even college kids experience when their parents divorce. They just like younger kids experience the loss of traditions and the traditional family. It's important for you to know that being a college student doesn't protect your kids from having distressing feelings about a divorce.
I admire the parents who ask me this question because I know how much they care about their kids and how devastating it is to think that you might hurt them. Nonetheless, no one in the household benefits from living in an unhappy home. I believe that all kids should have the right to live in a home where at least one parent is happy and emotionally well. I don't see the benefit of waiting until the kids are in college. I believe that it is way more important for the kids to either live in a peaceful home or to see their parents living separate and happier lives. You have 2 daughters. It is important for you to be a role model for them. They need to see that you as an adult women are going to take care of yourself. You are the most important role model for your daughters. It is important that your teens not equate marriage with misery.
You have been in individual and marriage therapy and have tried to repair the marriage. Sadly, this didn't work. My suggestion to you is to move on with your life and not wait until your daughters are both in college. There is never a perfect time to separate and divorce. Please keep in mind that if you do divorce their father there will be no benefit in devaluing their father to justify your divorce. Even though he may no longer be your husband he will always be their father.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Divorce is a very difficult process and can feel very destabilizing.I am sure that you went into this marriage with the best of intentions. I am so sorry that things didn't work out the way you and your husband had hoped. Marriage and relationships often deteriorate and I know how that can wreak havoc on the entire family. Nonetheless, after some time has passed the family members often develop a "new normal."
Good luck and please get back to me.
Dr. G.
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