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I recently learned that I have high blood pressure and cholesterol. Although neither is so high that I should panic, they are both elevated enough to warrant medication and a change in lifestyle. Ugh.
Even with a family history of heart disease, until now I have avoided having to really worry about my health through sporadic exercise and plain good fortune. My mom was diagnosed with both high blood pressure and cholesterol when she was in her early 40s. I watched her take medication and try to eat better, but I could tell that level of change just wasn't in her. "I would rather be happy while I'm alive and die sooner than go without" was her familiar refrain. At the time I listened but didn't argue, seeing her point but not really giving it too much thought.
Now with my recent health news, faced with the risks that both conditions can cause, I often think about my Mom. I'm grateful that she is enjoying a long life after all, but she's had several minor heart attacks and strokes and her limited mobility leaves her feeling vulnerable and helpless. So I've decided that I want to live long, happily, and want to change the way I think about my body and food.
Eating well isn't easy for many people, including me. Our relationship with food is complex at best. A history of sexual abuse and dissociative identity disorder makes it even more challenging to understand.
Since 1993, I've been working to accept a diagnosis of DID. I've learned that inside of me were distinct parts: adults, children and adolescents. In that time I have met them, accepted the information they had to share, and tried to welcome them. Almost all of the parts have now integrated into the whole of me, either because they revealed the information they held for so many years, or because their roles were no longer necessary to my survival.
Even still, my life is often a negotiation among remaining parts to accomplish what I need to do each day. It was harder when there were more parts with whom I had to negotiate; now it's easier, but still challenging when it comes to eating well and taking care of my health.
I've talked with other survivors of child sexual assault about how hard it is to eat well. Since many of us were "rewarded" with food after we were abused, we were conditioned to crave a "treat" after getting through something very difficult. We were taught to find comfort in food. Even today, after difficult times like a painful therapy session, relationship challenges, a bad day at work, going to the doctor, you get the idea... we crave the food that we ate after being abused as children.
For me, it was McDonalds. Specifically, a cheeseburger with fries. Today, my craving for McDonalds is automatic when I've made it through a tough time. It comes up as an obsessive thought that only seems to go away if I give in. The desire for the "special" food is compelling and distracting. Sometimes in desperation, I have even used food as leverage in negotiation with parts. "If you let me get on this plane and go do this training, I'll stop at McDonalds when we are done."
A diet can also be triggering, bringing up seemingly unrelated memories of times as a child when food was withheld from me for days. Now, if a diet reminds me of a time that I was abused, a protective part comes forward and with it, an even more compelling need to eat whatever food I want. Naturally, what I want is usually something comforting and a trip to McDonalds.
Years ago I ran regularly and often worked out at the gym. With that high level of exercise, I could get away with eating more junk food. But my schedule got busier and 20 years of running started to show in aches and pains. I've since stopped running altogether and haven't seen the inside of a gym in years.
I've tried to lose weight. I tried the Atkins diet where I only ate protein. I tried the South Beach diet, where I ate mostly protein and some carbs. They both worked at first, but my body missed all the fun of carbohydrates and soon the foods I wasn't supposed to eat became all I could think about. Parts inside found being on a diet difficult and after a bit wanted to be rewarded for getting through a hard time. The cravings for McDonalds came up. I invariably gave in and, in resignation and despair, gave up the diet altogether. It didn't take long to gain back the weight I had lost plus ten more pounds.
Now officially 50 pounds overweight, with high blood pressure and high cholesterol, I am once again motivated to eat better, lose weight and be healthy. This time, I considered all my old dieting starts and stops. I took into account the parts that I still have, and my history of soothing myself with food. Since some diets make me feel deprived, sometimes even triggered, I decided that I needed an approach that allowed me to occasionally eat certain foods at specific times without feeling like a failure. In other words, I need to be able to visit McDonalds without losing hope and all my resolve.
On January 1, like so many other people, I started my diet. I came to an agreement with my parts. We agreed to try Weight Watchers as long as we can splurge every now and then. I have reduced my portion sizes. I eat in moderation from all the food groups. I walk now, which isn't as engaging or as thrilling as running, but my body can manage the pace.
I'm six weeks into this new approach and so far it's working. I haven't yet had to go to McDonalds but if I do, I won't feel like I failed. I've lost 12 pounds and feel good about how I'm eating. I haven't been triggered yet because I can and do splurge-I just don't stay in splurge mode. My two remaining parts are cooperating with the plan more than they ever have.
Learn more about Olga Trujillo and her memoir The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
