Generational Shame and Other Secrets Passed on by Your Parents

Source: DALL.E / OpenAI

No one is born feeling ashamed or angry. Chronic, negative, self-conscious emotions are learned from messages conveyed by others, especially by those to whom you are closest. As a child, you don’t understand the nuances of adulthood. You see your parents as omnipotent, even when they are fragile, hostile, or needy. Further, you are completely reliant on them for guidance and safety. So, when a child is shamed or subjected to angry or judgmental criticism, they accept full responsibility for these reactions. Shame shatters a child’s developing sense of self, leading them to believe there are things about them that are inherently wrong and unlovable. When there is no space for a child to find unconditional acceptance of their unique being, they evaluate themselves as worthless. Then the child becomes the adult and can get stuck, ruminating on shame, and never seeing it was passed along to them as well.

Sometimes a negative emotion can provide helpful input. Let’s say you have said or done something that is insensitive or otherwise unacceptable amongst family and friends. Self-reflection and/or social backlash may trigger regret regarding your actions and act as a healthy signal, allowing you to reflect on your behavior to instigate positive change, like apologizing or trying to otherwise fix the situation (Graton & Ric, 2017).

Shame, on the other hand, is the excruciating belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, that you are inferior as a person. Rather than prompting you to review a particular negative action to help spur self-improvement, shame is experienced as an indictment of your entire self (Terrizzi & Shook, 2020)—a negative judgment that you are not as good as other people. It is a profoundly destructive emotional experience. Shame is a kind of disgust reflected back on the self. This self-loathing erodes self-esteem and promotes feelings of worthlessness.

A significant percentage of shame stems from the perceptions and actions of others, during childhood, that are internalized as actual truths (Dolezal & Gibson, 2022). Shameful experiences often crystallize into a trait-like proneness to shame (Budiarto & Helmi, 2021).

Childhood seems so short in the span of a person’s lifetime, but individual, family, and/or cultural trauma can be passed along, influencing the recipient's well-being, throughout their lifetime. When trauma is left unresolved in parents or family systems, these experiences can influence the thoughts, beliefs, and actions of their descendants.

Intergenerational Trauma

Intergenerational trauma is the transmission of the emotional and psychological effects of trauma from one generation to the next. This happens when traumatic experiences from parents or ancestors remain unresolved; subsequently, these emotions are projected onto their children, thus influencing the behaviors, beliefs, and emotions of their descendants. Left unresolved in the children, intergenerational trauma can be again transmitted on and on, across generations.

Unresolved trauma is often deeply embedded in family dynamics and can shape identity in insidious ways. The most common negative emotions are often intertwined—things like shame, anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, fear, hopelessness, and resentment, manifesting in various ways including depression, anxiety, and difficulties forming healthy relationships. Behavioral problems may develop such as social withdrawal, aggressiveness, and/or the continuation of unhealthy coping mechanisms (Cruz, D., Lichten, M., Berg, K. & George, P., 2022). Being chronically challenged with internalized negative emotions, like shame and anger, can lead to physiologic consequences as well, increasing the risk of cardiovascular diseases and impaired immune responses (Kostova & Matanova, 2024). Children of trauma survivors may inherit heightened stress responses, chronic depression or anxiety, or altered emotional regulation mechanisms.

How Is Intergenerational Trauma Transmitted?

There are various ways trauma can be transmitted across generations, including caregiver communication styles, behaviors, coping patterns, and even biological factors (Yehuda & Lehrner, 2018). Parenting styles may communicate unresolved traumas, either directly or through modeling. For example, authoritarian or controlling parenting behavior may be a reflection of unresolved anger or frustration that has led to the imposition of overly rigid rules and punitive control. Or, a primary caretaker who has experienced shame in their household of origin may project their insecurities onto their children through perfectionistic and overly critical parenting. Further, when a parent is neglectful or not emotionally available due to their own shame or anger, children feel unsafe and learn they are unworthy. In ideal parenting relationships, caregivers are consistent in their affection and are responsive to their child’s needs, thus helping the child feel safe, secure, and able to love themselves confidently.

Direct messages may include shaming statements, blame, scapegoating, or nonverbal cues conveying disappointment, anger, disapproval, and/or disgust. Lack of emotional validation—that is, dismissing or minimizing a child’s emotions—teaches them to distrust their feelings, which reinforces shame. Shame is sometimes used as a tool for discipline, illustrated in phrases like, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” This embeds shame as a primary emotional response. Unresolved trauma in parents can even lead to epigenetic changes (changes in gene expression) able to alter the stress regulation of children and impact their emotional development. Intergenerational trauma is not only passed down to individuals. Entire communities have experienced systemic oppression, genocide, or war, and the shared impact can perpetuate cycles of trauma across generations (Kostova & Matanova, 2024).

How to Heal

Awareness of intergenerational trauma and transmitted emotions is an essential first step in breaking the cycle and fostering resilience in yourself as well as in future generations. It is also important to make room for all of your feelings, both positive and negative, to coexist. Learning to recognize those emotions that have been passed along and can thus be set aside, brings real freedom.

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Since intergenerational shame is a relational experience, finding a good therapist is a great idea. A nonjudgmental therapeutic relationship is able to provide emotional regulation unavailable in childhood, so you can gradually reduce the negative emotions passed along. Therapy can provide a healing relationship where you feel fully seen and cherished for your unique passions, fears, and dreams. You will learn to see your flourishing strengths alongside your failures and minor flaws as all part of being human. Mindfulness and self-compassion are essential to helping you identify the emotions that belong to you and those that are left over from someone else’s trauma. A strong support system will help you feel less alone and better enable you to identify your authentic self. Everybody deserves that.

You do not have to carry the burden of intergenerational shame or other transmitted negative emotions. With awareness, curiosity, and exploration, you can set down the burdens passed along to you and create your own beautiful identity, separate from inherited emotions.