Verified by 
Key points
- Recent Gallup polls find trust in our fellow Americans at historically low levels.
- Proliferation of election conspiracies continue to deteriorate assumed similarities and shared dreams.
- A deficit in effective repair skills and lack of atonement maintain distrust.
- Addressing the repair skills gap with nondefensive and validating communication at home is a great place to start.
Recent Gallup polls show that our collective faith in each other is at all-time lows, casting doubt on our level of commitment to a thriving democracy.
As a relationship expert, I think it's worse than you imagine. The signs are apparent: distrust, criticism, defensiveness, and contempt for one another in ads, campaign speeches, and at our dining room tables.
The antidote to these relational toxins is atonement and creating shared meaning.
Atonement is necessary when there has been a violation of core beliefs and values.
Arguably, one core belief we've historically shared is that our democratic elections are free and fair.
In recent years, this, among other basic assumptions of our fellow Americans, has deteriorated, and trust along with it.
How does atonement work?
We examine our role in a conflict and take personal responsibility for our words and actions.
We are courageous enough to consider our part in the conflict and invest in resolving it.
The challenge of our generation is to do this when our affection for one another is increasingly thin.
We can start by reminding ourselves that we still dream the same dreams, dreams about our future, family, friends, and love. This truth transcends all the labels we place on each other.
We can start by practicing new repair skills and ways of communicating in our homes. Like any other skill, the more you practice, the easier it will be to use with everyone including friends, family, work colleagues, and community members.
1. Commit to nondefensive repair attempts. Defensiveness is the hallmark of a toxic relationship that lacks vulnerability, trust, and a spirit of self-improvement. The antidote to defensiveness is acknowledging our contribution to any given conversation or regrettable incident. It creates space for our partner's point of view and experience:
"You're starting to convince me."
"I never thought of things that way."
"I think your point of view makes sense."
2. Commit to validation, not persuasion. Many of us grow up with communication skills that reflect dominant cultural values of winning arguments and zero-sum games. These communication strategies tend to fail in long-term romantic relationships because human relationships are about emotional connection, not competition.
Now is the time to turn toward each other, not against each other. It is our moment in history to renew faith in one another through honesty, vulnerability, and validation.
It's time for courageous leadership that starts in our hearts and in our homes, in our ability to repair and our audacity to dream of a better tomorrow.
