Men and the Hidden Costs of Overthinking

“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” —Mark Twain

The legendary Mark Twain captured how human minds travel through time to confront future fears or relive past pain — a process at the heart of overthinking.

Overthinking comes in hot or creeps up cold to sabotage self-worth and sow self-doubt. One minute, you’re perusing a lunch menu; the next, you’ve landed in a ditch of indecision. On other days, your mind’s a leashed puppy with the zoomies, yanking you from one insecurity to the next.

In academic circles, overthinking is labeled “repetitive negative thinking.” It's thinking that's overstayed its welcome and outlived its usefulness, capturing the unwanted, unproductive, and unrelenting cognitive activity of rumination and worry. Rumination scholar Susan Nolen-Hoeksema framed it this way: worried thoughts focus on the unclear future; ruminative ones passively dwell on past events or perceived letdowns.

Worrying (“What if?”) views events as controllable, intensifying anxiety. Rumination (“Why?”) sees events as uncontrollable, dragging you deeper into depression. Worriers prep for threats; ruminators seek insight. Yet these are not distinct processes: they overlap and are transdiagnostic, meaning they show up across many mental health issues in the form of a habit or trait.

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But what’s the story behind men and overthinking?

You’re Overthinkin’ It, Man

Data finds that repetitive negative thinking peaks in young adulthood before declining and that women report higher rates of worry and rumination than men; however, the cost of overthinking in men can be dire. Males have four times the suicide rate than females and are less likely to report suicidal thoughts. This concern is highlighted by data showing an association between rumination, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts.

“Internalizing” symptoms like unpleasant emotions or processes like worry or rumination frequently become externalized in men. This means it’s easy to lose sight of inward mental activity when it becomes overshadowed by outward hyperactivity, drug use, reckless driving, or aggression.

Young men are falling behind in education, struggling in a shifting global economy, and grappling with changing cultural and family roles. We must tackle these glaring issues with policy solutions, but we can’t overlook that their root and continuation also lie in the finer details of men’s unseen inner lives.

Interestingly, I hear men allude to “overthinking” in song lyrics and everyday conversations:

• “Stop overthinking your presentation. It’ll be fine.”
• “You’re overthinking her texts. She’s probably just busy.”

Overthinking's use in everyday language downplays its depth.

Think Twice, It’s Not Alright

The tough-it-out masculine messaging drilled into us from boyhood seeps into our meta-cognitive beliefs, shaping our overarching views about the goodness or badness of our thinking processes.

For example, men might understand their overthinking as threatening, an inner agitator that must be gritted through alone, crushed by an even stronger thinking force, or countered through decisive action. What begins as an optimistic effort to tame overthinking only intensifies it. Some clinical psychologists label this way of controlling or fleeing unwanted feelings or sensations "experiential avoidance." Practical in some moments, sure, but this agenda to control, argue, reassure only backfires and, in one study, can even exacerbate alcohol misuse.

But when you ask men to slow down, identify themes that trigger their overthinking habit, and unravel the nuanced feelings (constructively engage instead of experientially avoid), they reveal loneliness in marriage, envy toward work colleagues, the hopelessness of ever meeting a boss's expectations, or shame at perceived failures to be useful or needed. This is one reason why starting with overthinking is a practical launch point for engaging men emotionally.

Quiet Your Mind

Humans have an estimated 6,000 thoughts per day. That’s near-infinite material to twist us into knots. Frustratingly, these knots tighten with each effort to loosen them (like demanding yourself to “Stop!”)

Overthinking is passive, vague, and critical, focused on the insurmountable gap between where you are and where you wish to be. Research finds that slowing down, learning from your noisy inner experiences, and making overthinking more concrete by taking a curious step back helps quiet your motormouth mind.

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Imagine you went on a disappointing first date. In overthinking mode, you might endlessly circle the abstract theme: “Why do I always fail in dating?”

But in concrete-experiential mode, you’re grounded, paying attention to what’s happening inside, helping you address your problem skillfully with actionable steps: “I notice I’m feeling regretful and helpless… What exactly did I do on that date, and what can I do differently next time?”

Yet freeing yourself from overthinking’s tyranny requires a larger-scale approach that addresses your mind-body relationship, time management, short- and long-term stressors, perspective-taking, and strengthening relationships.

Here are just a few strategies:

1. Create Calm

• Notice and recognize what overthinking is (unwanted, unproductive, unrelenting) and what it’s not. Sometimes, the line gets hazy.
• Normalize overthinking — most of us do it.
• Pause, slow down, and ground your body with evidence-based breathing techniques or mindfulness exercises.

2. Decode Emotions

• Practice recognizing, understanding, and labeling emotions during overthinking with precision — beyond “upset.”
• Are you rageful or disappointed? If disappointed by your job’s oversold promises, you might consider seeking feedback from a colleague. But if it’s rage... you’ll likely need to step outside and regain focus before pinging a coworker.

3. Retool Your Relationship… With Yourself

• Many have a harsh inner critic that kicks in under stress. Instead, notice that and find within the wisdom of an inner coach guiding a promising athlete (you) calmly, nonjudgmentally, curiously, or playfully.
• Or, try reframing adversities through the lens of an older version of yourself. How might you re-think your predicament in one week, one year, or thirty years? Have your thoughts/feelings shifted with the distance of time?

Since our imaginations have a penchant for time travel, we might as well use this superpower for good.

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