How Women Can Support Their Partner's Emotional Growth

Source: Allef Vinicius ? Unsplash

The fact that, per studies and my own clinical observation, women on average are higher in emotional intelligence than men is not an indictment of a man’s capability to grow a rich emotional life.

My definition of emotional intelligence would include men being able to feel the emotional energy in their bodies, name the emotion, and feel the permission to disclose it. They would be accountable for what they feel, let go of blaming someone, and have the ability to regulate their nervous system. There would also be an awareness of emotional needs and the ability to ask for what would satisfy the needs. Lastly, there would be an ability to be empathic to the emotions of others.

I suggest that men’s emotional maturation delay is primarily due to their acculturation. They were allocated control over the external terrain, while the internal landscape implicitly went to women. We can say that men were condemned to too much socio-economic and political power, which pointed them outside of themselves. It was only too easy to be preoccupied with some projects, contract negotiations, research, leading business teams, and making a wide range of acquisitions. Men became strangers to themselves.

Here is advice aimed at helping women to in turn help the men in their lives:

• Don’t collude. Two conditions lead women to collude with a man’s low EQ. The first is not feeling seen, appreciated, or loved by your father. The second is witnessing your mother allowing your father to depend upon her emotionally. When you have not felt paternally loved, and your maternal model was about being needed, you can quickly settle into being needed. When a man is okay with being emotionally dependent upon you, he will not likely be learning about emotional competencies. Do yourself and the man in your life a favor – expect to feel loved!
• Model emotional growth. Although emotional maturity can easily be dismissed as a female endeavor, the man in your life may be watching.
• Interact with couples in which the men are attending to their EQ. Such men may attract your partner's attention.
• Read literature and attend workshops focusing on EQ.
• Request that partner make emotional contributions to deepen your emotional intimacy.

This last recommendation will likely confuse your partner. I often hear from men, “I don’t get what the problem is, and I don’t understand what she’s asking for.” Men usually explain how devoted they have been to pleasing their partners, accommodating and compliant. Men are often unaware that their devotion to please was a childhood dynamic aimed at strengthening their relationship with their mothers. Certainly, pleasing has its place in a marriage, and it is insufficient when a woman asks for deepening emotional intimacy. A man needs to learn to strengthen his emotional connection to himself to participate in emotionally growing intimacy.