Understanding Harmful Romantic Relationships

Intoxicating images of romantic love are everywhere. Childhood fairy tales, television, films, magazines, advertisements, and social media bombard us with narratives of what “true love” looks like, appealing to our hopes and fantasies. Such idealized portraits of love serve as blinders hiding this truth: A relationship can be abusive and harmful, yet still have the seductive elements of romance.

Statistics from credible sources (e.g., American Psychological Association, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Office of Juvenile Justice Prevention Programs) paint a troubling picture of the romantic lives of adolescents and young adults. Evidence suggests there is a continuum of concerns that circumscribe the intimate relationships of large numbers of young people, ranging from physical/sexual/emotional abuse and stalking on one end, to harassment, callous hook-ups, deception, gaslighting, and mean-spirited social media commentary on the other end. For too many young people, the experience of establishing romantic connections often proves to be harmful, with consequences that expand in concentric circles of harm throughout their lives.

Characteristics of a Toxic Romance

I define a toxic romance as “an emotionally significant intimate attachment to a person that interferes with one’s ability to experience joy, harmony, safety, hope, feelings of peace, and positive connections to others outside the romantic relationship.”¹ In a poisonous romance, one person exercises controlling, abusive power over another. The person on the receiving end chronically experiences a range of negative emotions such as powerlessness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, self-doubt, worthlessness, futility, and a sense of being stuck under a dark cloud. It is as if one is always walking on eggshells in the relationship, ever vigilant that something will set the partner off and trigger intensely negative behaviors.

Harmful romances can occur with same-sex couples and heterosexual couples, and abusive behaviors can be expressed by males and by females. The most common pattern (the focus of this post) is “heteronormative,” involving controlling and offensive behavior of males directed toward their female partners.

When observing a young woman who is involved in a toxic romance with a young man, a vexing question arises: Why does she stay with him? I have found a common set of possible answers to that question, of which any combination of the following may operate:

• She remembers the seductive “honeymoon” period early in the relationship and hopes for a return to what she believes he was like then.
• She fears being alone and remains in the relationship despite the way he treats her.
• She falsely believes no one else would want to be with her. (Low self-esteem is relevant here.)
• She believes she can change him.
• She accepts his repeated promises that he will change, regardless of behavioral evidence to the contrary.
• She internalizes his gaslighting explanation that she is the reason for problems in the relationship.
• She has invested so much time and energy in the relationship that she does not want to give up on it.
• She is insulated (because of him) from family and friends who care for her and who might help.
• She falsely believes that being told she is loved equates to being treated with love.
• She cannot admit to herself or others that she made a mistake.
• She accepts these behaviors as a normal feature of the relationship, perhaps because she does not know what a healthy relationship is.

Exiting a Bad Romance

An important step for young women to take in exiting a toxic romance is to recognize in themselves these patterns above and identify two common behaviors controlling males tend to exhibit relative to these patterns. First, controlling males deliberately seek to isolate their female partners from others who might question or interfere with the relationship. From his perspective, her family and friends are not to be believed or trusted. He alone must be the source of information about their connection. He alone is to be trusted with her emotions. He alone truly cares for her; family and friends are only trying to interfere with her life. The more isolated she becomes, the more he gains control over her life and the more he can maintain a shroud of secrecy over how he treats her.

Second, such males are experts at gaslighting their female partners. Her worth, her ability to make decisions, her relationship with others, her capabilities, what she may want for herself, how she understands her own emotions, and why he is important to her are sorted through his interpretations of the relationship. It is as if he has placed a filter over her eyes that jades her perceptions of what is real. This process of gaslighting is reinforced by his telling her he loves her regardless of his actions, and regardless of how unhappy she is or how the relationship seems stuck in a negative place without growth.

Women and men of all ages who are entering a romantic connection should be guided by a fundamental truth: A declaration of love is not an entitlement. It does not give one “rights” over another person. It does not excuse or justify behaviors that threaten, harm, humiliate, control, induce fear, physically violate, or intentionally distress another.

Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship

Contrary to a toxic romance, healthy, happy, loving relationships have several things in common. There is trust that each person will treat the other with love and respect. There is honesty that reflects a certainty neither person will lie, cheat, or manipulate the other in harmful ways. There is kindness toward one another, expressed in gestures large and small that reflect compassion and gratitude. There is equality where, in a balanced way, each person honors the rights, abilities, and needs of the other. Finally, there are many moments of harmony and joy, expressed in laughter, a shared sense of adventure, and a sense of peace and calm when together. If two people do not nurture these qualities in their romance, then each must reflect on a more troubling question: What do we create together?