Why Disagreement Is a Stubborn Enemy of Listening

A few months ago, I was at a restaurant with my family. A heated argument erupted between the shift manager and a waiter when we sat down. From the tone of the exchange between them, it seemed like we had arrived at a dispute that had started long before we arrived. The manager was furious at the waiter for breaking a tray with dishes, and he replied back to her, “Get out of my face.” Then, she yelled, “That’s it, I’ve had it with you!” She ordered him to put down his apron and told him his shift was over. The waiter stormed out of the restaurant. We and the other customers felt uncomfortable from the incident. Some customers even wanted to complain to the owner of the restaurant.

I tried to analyze the situation, or more simply put, whose fault it was. The waiter was very rude and what he said is not something you say to your manager (or even any other person). At the same time, I thought the shift manager acted unprofessionally by arguing with her employee in the middle of a (small) restaurant. I also thought about how contagious emotions are. Even though my family and I were not part of the argument, it made us feel uncomfortable and left a negative feeling for a while.

The following Friday, we had a big family dinner. I got to see relatives I had not seen for a while. It always makes me laugh to hear sentences like, “Wow, it’s amazing how your girls grew up so much.” (Of course, they did. You haven’t seen them in three years.)

During dinner, I had a disagreement with one of my relatives on a topic I have a lot of knowledge about. I started to get really upset when he criticized my perspective, especially when he barely provided any facts to support his argument. Then something interesting happened, although I had so much to say because I was angry, my mind “closed” and I couldn’t think clearly. It was as if everything I knew about the topic was erased, leaving mostly weak arguments in my head. It was like someone else was in my head handling this argument, and not in a good way. Moreover, my anger and willingness to explain to my relative why he was wrong prevented me from really listening to him. When he talked, I considered my next argument and judged him for expressing such “foolish” thoughts.

After our disagreement, when my anger and frustration levels reduced, I felt I missed an opportunity. Not only was I unable to communicate the knowledge I had about the topic in an effective manner because of my anger, but I also missed an opportunity to learn about a different perspective, and I might have also hurt my relationship with this relative. Why was it so important for me to “win” the argument? What difference would it make? How can it be that after 12 years of researching and learning so much about all its benefits, I did not manage to overcome my anger and listen well in this situation?

When we drove home, my lovely wife validated my perspectives. “You sounded pretty ignorant tonight,” she said, and as always, she was correct. I reflected on this experience and considered how to listen better in the next disagreement (and living in Israel will surely put me to this test sooner rather than later). As a first step, I decided to prevent myself from replying and focus on asking questions. This way, my mind should become less “closed,” like in a disagreement with my relative. I should be able to think more clearly and learn more about the other person.

I had such an opportunity a week later when I met a close friend at a pub, and we discussed a topic we both knew we disagreed on. I can’t say I didn’t reply, but it was 180 degrees different from my previous disagreement. I didn’t get mad and asked questions that made my friend and me think more deeply about the issue. We sometimes even reevaluate some of our initial thoughts. Most importantly, I felt it strengthened our social connection, which is the most important thing, much more than who “wins the disagreement” (if there is even such a case).

Our social lives are filled with disagreements, whether at work, school, in the family, or with our significant others. The challenge is handling these disagreements constructively so we benefit from them or, at the very least, that our social relationships are not hurt. As society becomes increasingly polarized around various issues, people even try to avoid conversations with others who hold opposite views.

This is why learning how to listen well is so crucial nowadays. When we feel heard by our conversation partners during disagreements, we feel more socially connected to them and are able to see our initial attitudes in a less one-sided manner. Listening is also an efficient technique to reduce speakers’ prejudice and makes them want to share more information with their listeners.

Listening is not a quick fix. There are many helpful tips for this important behavior. However, listening is a muscle that requires training. The good news is that every person can become a good listener. The first step is to set it as a goal, as with every other skill, and be ready to invest time and effort. People report an experience of high-quality listening when they feel that their listeners do not judge them and give them the freedom to express their authentic perspectives and emotions. In order to be able to prove such high-quality listening, we should also be non-judgemental toward ourselves when we realize we might not be as good listeners as we thought we were.