The Introvert's Party Predicament

Sarah thought crowds were exciting. She liked to meet new people. She was fond of parties, even cocktail parties. You'd have to be crazy to like cocktail parties, Macon thought--those scenes of confusion she used to drag him to, where he was made to feel guilty if he managed by some fluke to get involved in a conversation of any depth. "Circulate. Circulate," Sarah would hiss, passing behind him with her drink.
--from The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler

Parties.

Sigh.

Few situations are more fraught for the introvert.

I went to a big, festive party the other day. It was full of happy people, most of whom I don't know.

I failed this party miserably.

I walked into the large, crowded, noisy room and shut down. Just shut down. It was terrible. I was awkward, my chitchat was stilted, I was unintentionally rude. forgot people's names, spent too much time talking to the couple I'd attended the party with, and fled as soon as I could.

I'm not always that bad at parties, but it does happen sometimes, which provokes more anxiety around the next invitation that arrives. This recent face-plant got me thinking: What's the difference between parties I can handle and those I can't?

For one thing, size matters. No more than 20 people is optimal, and not all strangers. I don't go to parties to meet new people but to enjoy festivities with people I know. That's one reason I like throwing parties. That, and because as a hostess, I have jobs to do--greeting arrivals, getting them their first drink, replenishing the food. These chores keep me circulating and at ease. As a party guest, however, my sole job is to mingle, which fills me with dread.

At big parties, I tend to (like Macon, in the excerpt above) hunker down with one or two people with whom I can really talk, rather than chitchat. It's a way of creating a smaller party within the large party. I did a lot better at this recent party when we sat down to dinner. My friends and I shared a table with four other people (strangers) and within this small group, I was relaxed and chatty. As long as no one insists I mingle, I can have my own kind of fun.

Parties are not my thing and many introverts feel the same. So why go at all? Well, to my mind, it's part of the social contract we make with friends. Attending friends' parties is among the kindnesses we extend to those who are kind enough to throw them. Having given parties myself, I am fully familiar with the "what if no one comes?" terror, and the letdown when friends don't appear. So when friends throw parties, I usually attend and make every effort to fulfill my duties as a guest. I might not stay long, and sometimes I fall down on the job, but I do try. Now I'm going to figure out how to succeed, on my own terms, more often. Look for more party-survival strategies in future posts.

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Pity Party photo by Evil Erin via flickr / CC BY 2.0

Copyright 2009 Sophia Dembling