Path to Your True Self: The Relationship With Yourself

This post is part four of a series.

Research tells us that healthy relationships are key to our well-being, but we often overlook the one that we all have in common: our relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves is so ubiquitous that we may take it for granted, though arguably it might be the one that we should attend to the most.

Even if someone had told me years ago that I should care for myself as I would any other cherished loved one, I’m sure I would’ve had to discover it the hard way. That’s how I — and many of us — roll. Just like any other relationship at a breaking point due to neglect and abuse, my relationship with myself crashed my life down in the form of a mid-life crisis at the age of 36. Ironically, it was my life’s successes that showed me the error of my ways, since instead of feeling blissful for achieving everything I ever dreamed of, I was a train wreck. I discovered the hard way that I had not been living the values and priorities of my true self, who was now going to be heard.

I have since made amends with my true self. I have forgiven myself and mended my ways. Now, like a good friend, I do not make assumptions about what my true self wants, needs, or feels. Rather, I really stop and listen, and honor her heart and soul.

As a result, there are no more acts of sabotage, resistance, or revolt against the plans I’ve conjured without her consent. She is — we are — for the most part, joyful and excited about life and our partnership.

I realize it may be distracting to refer to myself in the third person, but I invite you to consider yourself as (more than) the sum of your parts. According to Internal Family Systems theory, we all have inner “parts” that wish to have a voice (separate and distinct from multiple personality disorder). Some represent former versions of ourselves (e.g., inner child, the one who needs to feel heard), or different identities and roles (e.g., mother, friend, entrepreneur). My logical, analytical self who made the decisions did not always play well with my other more emotional or intuitive parts, marginalizing their needs and wishes in the process.

So while my early life path felt intellectually satisfying, the input from my heart and soul was missing. They were in crisis while I persevered in a direction that did not serve all of me. I disregarded my inner alarm bells with the, “I’ll be happy when” refrain. It was devastating to my psyche to defer happiness for decades since it’s available in the here and now.

I’m sure there are many paths for this process, including seeking a therapist who employs an internal family systems approach. It starts by making peace with all our parts and bringing them to the table. My homegrown process looks something like this:

First, reflect on what you need across your life to make you feel safe, loved, cared for, and fulfilled. Consider both what you are already getting from others or your environment, and what is missing.

My personal list includes that important others listen when I talk, empathize when I share my feelings, respond appropriately when I relay my needs and desires, be proactive about spending quality time together, show interest and concern in my wellbeing, step up in my time of need, and speak kindly to me and about me to others. They do not judge me and give me the benefit of the doubt when there is confusion. We are in reciprocity with each other in these and other ways.

Now consider to what degree you’re providing that care and support to you and your parts. Are you your own bully, critic, or cheerleader? Are you a supportive listener, or do you tend to ignore or minimize your logic, feelings, or intuition? Which needs are you attending to, and which are not on your radar?

Second, I found it helpful to first acknowledge the mistreatment of my parts (mainly my heart and soul) and I literally apologized to them. I then committed to listening to and honoring all parts of myself before making important decisions in the future. You can try doing the same.

Finally, now that you’ve identified the areas for improvement and made amends if necessary, brainstorm your remedy and set aside the time to live your commitment to yourself.

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I initially calendared a regular date with myself to provide myself with the nourishment and self-care that I identified earlier. So while rest, pampering, and time for hobbies and favorite activities are important, this inner relational work is its own category that merits priority and attention. Being proactive in providing myself with this kind of care helps with my energy, focus, and ability to maintain a peaceful equilibrium that has no substitute.

I have also found journaling to be extremely helpful in processing and organizing feelings and plans. Reflecting back on what went well, what I missed, and what could use improvement helps to inform my intentions and plans going forward.

Journaling also helps me to connect with my different parts and to give them a voice. Why did the Bully/Critic/Inner Child/Perfectionist/Judge come out and get angry or scared? What does she need to feel safe? What can I do differently going forward to help her get what she needs?

Healthy and positive relationships are key to our ability to flourish, so give this most critical relationship — the one with yourself — the attention and honor that you (all of you) deserve.