When Sex With Tech Is Better Than With a Human Partner

Most people agree that intimate relationships can be challenging. Negotiating sex and romance with another person requires patience, understanding, and compromise. Enter modern sex toys, VR porn, chatbots (intelligent computer programs with a human or cartoon “face” designed to engage users), avatars (representations of oneself that can interact and have sex with other avatars), and eventually, sex robots. It’s impossible to know exactly how human intimacy will be transformed by their arrival, but change it will.

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It's easy to be skeptical. After all, knowing that your tech lover is neither real nor touching you is enough to take all the pleasure out of it—or is it? Some of that skepticism depends on your age. For example, if you grew up with tech interfacing all aspects of your life, this doesn’t seem like a bizarre concept.

Our culture is already shifting in this direction. Since the year 2000, people of all ages are having less intercourse. People are also dating less and marrying less, all while buying more sex toys and watching more porn—the most common forms of sex tech available today. So, people are having less sex with partners, but they aren’t having less sex—it’s just different sex than it used to be.

As a sex therapist, I have spent my career helping people manage their sexual and relationship struggles. For better or worse, these are the trends I’ve seen over time that will probably amplify sex tech’s appeal.

• Desire to Avoid Vulnerability: For most people, a key ingredient for passion is vulnerability. Passion typically requires people to let go of self-control and allow for uncertainty, mystery, and risk. Even something as simple as initiating sex or asking for what you want in bed requires the willingness to be vulnerable. One reason why folks in long-term relationships feel less passion is that it becomes increasingly difficult to create moments of vulnerability with someone you know well. Further, in today’s world, we tend to pair sexual vulnerability with abuse and thus discourage it. Yet research with chatbots demonstrates that people feel more comfortable sharing personal info with AI rather than real humans. This means that at least some people may prefer to get their wildest, and perhaps most potent, sexual fantasies met with tech.
• Avoidance of Dependency: Adults can dislike depending on other adults to satisfy their sexual needs due to fears of rejection, concerns about emotional vulnerability, and the desire to maintain autonomy. For some, past negative experiences or traumas may have led to difficulty trusting others in intimate situations. Sex tech, on the other hand, can provide a sense of control and safety, allowing individuals to explore their sexuality without the complexities of human relationships. This shift toward technological solutions for sexual needs may be particularly appealing for those with higher rates of anxiety or depression, as it can serve as a form of self-soothing behavior without the perceived risks associated with human partners.
• High Expectations of Partners: Relationships today face unprecedented pressures as our expectations of partners continue to rise. We look to our significant others to fulfill multiple roles—from best friend and confidant to financial partner, co-parent, and lover. These expectations extend to our sex lives, with partners expected to be both emotionally available and sexually adventurous. Few humans can meet such high expectations. However, sex tech is now capable of offering emotional intimacy coupled with powerful sexual stimulation. Sex tech aims to become the perfect lover—high expectations welcome.
• Obsession With Ease and Convenience: The pursuit of convenience has become a defining characteristic of modern life, influencing everything from how we work to how we shop and eat. This pursuit has extended to our intimate lives, with people seeking more sensation with less time and effort. Available 24/7 with no sexual needs of its own, AI never gets angry, has a bad day, or holds expectations of its users. Instead, it aims to please—ease and convenience included.

I am not arguing that tech will become people’s preferred sex partners. Humans, at least for a long time, will remain the gold standard. But humans are messy and faulty and…human. My guess is that most people will ultimately prefer a human partner, but one who is able to satisfy their needs as well as sex tech can. But as we become less tolerant of human error, less comfortable with dependency and vulnerability, and more focused on ease and convenience, sex tech is prepared to fill the void. Some people will experience this transformation as a great advantage to humanity, while others will experience it as a great disadvantage. Either way, sex tech is poised to modify how we meet our needs for intimacy.

Time will be the ultimate arbiter, however, of the future of intimacy.