Will Advances in Sex Tech Redefine Monogamy?

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If you are in a monogamous relationship, you and your partner may not agree completely about what constitutes cheating, outside of the obvious. At least, this is the case for many couples. For example, some people define visiting camming sites as cheating, while others believe an emotional relationship developed online is deceitful. To make matters more complicated, most couples simply assume they agree on the definition of monogamy, and thus don’t feel the need to discuss it. If couples bring this discussion to my therapy room, it’s often after someone feels betrayed, even if their partner doesn’t agree that they violated their monogamy agreement.

But that was last year. Next year, or at least soon, I expect these disagreements to take on additional nuance. That’s because the added realism afforded by advancing sex tech may challenge some people’s versions of infidelity anew.

For example, compare old-fashioned porn vs the newer, VR variety. Research demonstrates that people experience VR porn as more immersive and realistic than today’s version. Rather than watching someone on your laptop screen receive oral sex, you feel like you are looking down, watching yourself receive it. Rather than hear a person compliment another on a computer screen, the actor looks you in the eye, complimenting you directly. According to pornhub, VR is the fastest growing genre of porn. This makes sense, as the price of some VR glasses are becoming more affordable. So, while you may not have VR glasses today, your goggles will likely be arriving soon enough.

Today, even two-dimensional porn can be a contentious topic. For some people, it’s considered a form of cheating. While I don’t recall a man in my office complain that his partner was watching “too much” porn, I certainly have heard that concern from hetero women. And if today’s surveys are any indication, this gender difference is unlikely to change – at least not in the near future. Sometimes couples solve these challenging problems by instituting a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. “What I don’t know doesn’t hurt me” is not an uncommon retort in my therapy room when couples find themselves at a standstill. Others identify boundaries such as “Just watch when I’m at work," or “Only if I’m sleeping.” In these ways, partners try their best to treat each other’s desires respectfully while managing their own comfort levels. However, as porn becomes an increasingly personalized experience via virtual reality, and sex with realistic avatars becomes more feasible, I wonder how these conversations may change.

On the one hand, much of our online lives will soon become more personalized and intimate as virtual reality encompasses more of our worlds. Perhaps since much of our interactions will reflect this shift, the change to VR porn and more complex sexual avatars will be less noteworthy. Time will tell.

Sex tech’s developments go beyond just pornography or sex toys. Virtual worlds in which avatars have sexual relationships are gaining in popularity. As these worlds expand, more folks will be asking themselves whether avatar sex is a form of cheating. Similarly, what can a sexually monogamous person do with their avatar and still consider themselves faithful: Is talking sexy or kissing another avatar fair game, for example? These questions are personal, and people will ultimately have to determine boundaries for themselves. What is guaranteed, however, is that in the not-too-distant future, couples will find themselves addressing these issues.

On the positive side, advances in sex tech will also benefit some monogamous relationships, helping people enjoy intensities of passion they may be struggling to achieve or maintain over time. Particularly after people fall in love, they hold high expectations that sex will continue to feel as intensely exciting as the years pass. This wish is typical and understandable, but most couples ultimately find it unrealistic. In fact, perhaps the most common request of couples new to my therapy room is to have sex feel like it did at the beginning of their relationship. For these folks, the sex tech of the future may come to their rescue. For example, if one or both people aren’t comfortable experimenting with additional human partners, engaging this kind of sex play in a virtual world may more comfortably provide that level of excitement. Maybe VR porn can amp up someone’s waning desire in a way that more typical online porn wasn’t able to do. One thing is certain: Just as tech will offer us new options in healthcare, education, and cuisine (to name a few), so too will it transform our sex lives.