2 Dos and 3 Don'ts When Giving Feedback

This post is the fourth in a four-part series.

The giving and receiving of feedback is a key interpersonal skill that applies way beyond the workplace. It's also essential for healthy relationships between couples, between parents and children, and between friends and neighbors. I recently sat down to distill my experiences coaching executives to give better feedback into The Ten Commandments of Feedback.

In this post, we'll focus on the last two commandments, followed by a consideration of three situations in which commandments should not be observed.

What to Do When Giving Feedback

1. Suggest; don’t tell.

Positivity is important. But so too are other aspects of tone.

One of the dangers when giving feedback is that you will sound dogmatic or as if you’re micromanaging. The problem with this isn’t just that these are things you probably want to avoid as a manager. It’s that, for feedback to be maximally effective, the recipient has to feel responsible for their own behavior. If they feel like they need to do things a certain way just because that’s the way you like it, they won’t develop the internal motivation required to change their habits.

So, suggest; don’t tell. Sometimes, that’s as simple as beginning your sentences with phrases such as, “Perhaps…” or “You might want to consider…” At other times, you might need to be even more open-ended to encourage the recipient to think for themself. “You seemed to lose your audience today when you got into the technical details. What are some things you could do differently next time to keep them engaged?”

2. Get practical.

Observation of the previous commandments I've outlined in this series will significantly improve the feedback you give. But it will get you only so far.

One of the most common mistakes people make when giving feedback is to tell the recipient what they’re doing wrong without giving them any ideas about how they could do better in the future. So, get practical. End your feedback with concrete steps for improvement.

For example, “Next time you have a meeting with Bob, perhaps you could bring a stress ball and squeeze it whenever he starts to get under your skin. Or you might consider bringing Judith with you, since she’s so good at calming him down. Or maybe you have some other ideas?”

The 3 Exceptions

Like all rules, the 10 Commandments of Feedback have exceptions. Let's now consider three situations in which observance of the commandments should be suspended.

1. It’s final.

Sometimes you have to give feedback for reasons other than helping the recipient improve their performance. For example, if you’ve decided to fire someone, you may have a legal obligation to inform them formally of where their performance hasn’t met standards. Even when there is no such legal obligation, there is often a moral one. Employees deserve to know why they are being let go.

In such cases, some of the commandments apply with even greater force while others don’t apply at all. For example, it’s more important than ever not to beat about the bush or get personal and to focus as much as possible on first-hand observations rather than vague or second-hand impressions. But there’s no need to accentuate the positive or to suggest concrete steps for improvement. In fact, doing so could actually undermine your primary goal, which is to communicate clearly that something is coming to an end and the time for improvement has passed.

2. You’re making an example.

An exception to the first commandment is when it’s necessary to make an example of someone’s behavior so that colleagues learn that such behavior won’t be tolerated. This may sound cruel. But for any accountability system to work, it’s not enough for justice to be done. It must also be seen to be done.

To take an extreme example, if a manager is being fired after being found guilty of sexually harassing their direct reports, the organization should not try to downplay the issue and move the manager on discreetly. Employees should be informed of the firing and the reasons for it. This does not mean that the manager in question should be publicly shamed. It means simply that critique of the manager’s behavior should not be kept quiet or hidden.

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3. They can’t hear you.

You may have noticed that none of my commandments referred explicitly to the issue of timing. This isn’t a coincidence. It’s because the question of when to give feedback varies considerably from case to case.

In general, it’s best to give feedback as soon after the event as possible. This is for three reasons. First, the specifics are fresh and the memories of the feedback-giver and feedback-receiver about what happened are less likely to diverge. Second, it helps keep the spirit of the feedback conversational and routine. Coming back to an issue that happened weeks or months ago artificially inflates the momentousness of what happened and can make the recipient feel like you weren’t being candid with them during the intervening period. Third, the longer you put off having a difficult conversation, the more excuses you’re likely to find for putting it off even longer.

However, there are many situations in which it’s better to wait before giving feedback. I mentioned one above in relation to the sixth commandment. If things are too raw for the recipient right after a difficult event for them not to take the feedback personally, it’s better to hold off until things calm down.

There are even some situations in which it’s best not to give feedback at all. These are rare and they generally indicate that a relationship has come to an end. But if it’s clear that the recipient can’t hear you, it’s better to withhold your feedback than to let it fall on deaf ears. In the absence of a shared desire for improvement, feedback will be interpreted as a personal attack regardless of how it was intended. So, in such cases, keep your own counsel.