Improving your relationship: LUV LTRS and other digital quickies

By Anne Fishel, PhD and Tristan Gorrindo, MD

Texting can enhance relationships

The idea that texting could be a boost and a balm for romantic relationships came as a surprise to us. We thought of text messages -- those billion-a-day messages sent from mobile phones that seem so casual and flip -- as opening the door to misinterpretations, confusion and banality between lovers. But, recent academic research in the journal Family Relations flies in the face of these notions. The authors found that the sending of positive, affectionate text messages to your romantic partner creates a more positive relationship. It's not just that happier couples send more positive messages, but that sending the messages actually helps to create a better relationship.

This finding got us thinking differently about texting. Maybe texting acts as a transitional object (think of Linus' security blanket from the cartoon Peanuts) when we are apart from each other. When we're at work, a private message tapped out under the desk at a meeting lets our partner know that he or she is still on our mind. That vibrating sensation in your pocket, often near an erogenous zone, is an intimate message letting you know that your partner is thinking about you.

Peter Fraenkel, in his superb new book about the role of time in marriage, Sync your Relationship, Save your Marriage writes about a strategy to help couples who complain that they don't have enough time for each other. The strategy is the '60-second pleasure point'--a couple comes up with a half dozen, under-a-minute fun or pleasurable activities during the day to create an arc of connection. These could be something sensual and hands-on like a massage or hug, or something more virtual. Text messaging sweet nothings can be a pleasure point, but there are many other digital quickies that can help to build this arc.

Picture Lucy and John, a composite sketch of a couple who bring together observations of several couples we know: They are a married couple with two young children with little time or money to spare on romantic dates. Despite the stresses of holding down two jobs, fighting daily about who does what on the home front, and chronic fatigue from getting up at night, they maintain a sense of connectedness through creating a daily digital arc. John texts Lucy a photo of a blossoming tree on his way to work--a 21^st century interpretation of a time-honored spring tradition of bringing home a bouquet of flowers. Later in the morning, Lucy has browsed through her online photo albums and sends John a photo from their early courtship with a joke about how rested they looked then. During his lunch break, John tackles one of his weekly chores--ordering groceries on line for home delivery-but adds some butterscotch sauce and ice cream. He sends her the order and tells her that he's looking forward to having dessert with her tonight after the kids are in bed. She responds with a veiled erotic text, (She's always been nervous that an employer might get hold of her texts) using the playful code names they've created for various body parts to offer a sexual invitation. As John heads home, he FaceTimes (video calls from a mobile phone) Lucy as she starts dinner. Total extra time spent over the course of the day-about five minutes.

If Sam Cooke were still alive he might rewrite his 1957 hit song "You send me," as "You send me when you send me texts."

Copyright Anne Fishel and Tristan Gorrindo, 2011