Is It Attractive to Be Selective, Popular, or Hard-to-Get?

In general, while people are interested in making gains and getting ahead, they are often more motivated to avoid losses and missing out. That is why making something scarce, limited, or difficult to obtain can make it more desirable.

As it turns out, that type of influence works in love, to make dates and mates more desirable as well. After all, that is why we have expressions like "playing hard to get," "you don't know what you got 'till it's gone," and "absence makes the heart grow fonder" when talking about dating and relating too.

In the course of writing here, I have explored a few different dating and relating tactics that make individuals more appealing and attractive, by being less available or more selective. Specifically, I have looked at playing hard-to-get, being more selectively available, and appearing popular and desired by others. In this post, I will review those strategies further, blending in the research on scarcity in general—and helping you decide when and how to use each approach to be more attractive as well.

Playing Hard-to-Get

One of the most straightforward ways of appearing more scarce and desirable is to simply play hard-to-get. This increases the perception of your worth as a date or mate, by reducing the overall supply of your affections and limiting the time available to others. As a result, this actually combines two separate scarcity tactics. Some techniques for playing hard to get and accomplishing that include (Jonason & Li, 2013):

• Having limited availability
• Sounding busy
• Being hard to get a hold of
• Seeking attention but then disregarding it
• Showing initial interest, and then letting it wane

Nevertheless, as uncovered in a speed-dating study by Dai, Dong, and Jia (2014), using scarcity by playing hard-to-get does have a limitation. Specifically, playing hard to get only works when someone is already (at least a little) interested.

As the study showed, participants who were already committed to the interaction (those who had chosen their speed date) found a date playing hard-to-get more desirable. In contrast, participants who were paired with a date at random (and therefore, not yet invested/interested) found that date more desirable when they were easy-to-get instead. So, playing hard-to-get might be a good choice to magnify the desire and interest that is already present between you and a partner—but it is not able to create that attraction from scratch.

Being Selectively Available

Although it is sometimes difficult to tell apart, there is a difference between playing hard-to-get and being selectively available. To specify, according to Walster, Walster, Piliavin, and Schmidt (1973), individuals often find a relationship partner most desirable when that person is attainable to them (but not to anyone else).

This notion was supported by findings from Jonason and Li (2003) as well. The team's third study looked at the effect of different behavior strategies on desirability as a date, sexual partner, and relationship partner. Participants were asked to rate their interest based on scenarios of potential partners who were described as either very easy to get (low availability); very hard to get (high availability); or in between (medium availability). The results showed that both men and women preferred very easy to get partners for short-term sex, but preferred partners who had medium availability (selective) for dates and relationships.

Thus, sometimes the most appealing romantic strategy is to be selective and discriminating. While this is also a type of scarcity, it is operating in a different way. Unlike playing hard-to-get, which is limiting the supply of your time and attention overall, being selective makes a relationship with you a special and unique opportunity for someone specific instead. As other persuasion research has shown, however, such a scarce and unique opportunity can be very appealing too—especially for that particular person (Burger & Caldwell, 2011).

Given that, this strategy also has a limitation. To use it, you have to pick a specific person (or at least a very limited "type" of person) to use it on. Otherwise, the opportunity isn't very unique and loses the effect. That is why it is effective and appealing for long-term relationships (and not for short-term sex). Nevertheless, if you are looking for a life-long partner, being selective could be the best approach for you—and the most desirable strategy to them as well.

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Appearing Popular

Last, but not least, appearing popular and already desired by others can sometimes increase a person's attractiveness as a partner too. This was supported by research from Little, Caldwell, Jones, and DeBruine (2011). The results of five studies indicated that who people surround themselves with can make them look more (or less) attractive in different contexts. Particularly, being associated with someone attractive of the opposite sex can make someone look more attractive to other potential mates too.

One of the explanations for this effect is something called social learning. Specifically, when people are confused or lack information to make a decision, they often look to what other people are doing (or choosing) to help figure it out. When they do so to figure out who might be a good mate, this is also known as mate choice copying. Nevertheless, given that a person who is popular or already in a relationship is also less available, there is a scarcity effect here too. Specifically, this is a scarcity effect from high demand—also known as demand-related scarcity (Aguirre-Rodriguez, 2013).

Nevertheless, as with the other approaches, there are drawbacks here too. On one hand, while being associated with someone attractive who could be a potential mate can make you look more attractive, being around an attractive rival can decrease your desirability. So, in mixed company, this can be an unpredictable tactic. On the other hand, being popular might also be seen by some potential partners as not being very selective too. Therefore, while being popular and desired by others may make you more appealing in general, it could discourage the interest of specific partners looking for longer-term and monogamous relationships.

Putting It All Together

Beyond these specific techniques that help display certain characteristics, the overall idea is to have respect and appreciation for you own time and worth. That way, you value yourself and do not fall into the nice guy/gal trap of doing too much for others, or rewarding their bad behavior toward you.

So, appreciate your time, energy, and company. Fill your life up with the unique things that help define you and make you appealing. When the right person comes along, who is grateful, attractive, and rewarding, then selectively make time for them. Until then, don't sell yourself short—and be a little scarce too!

© 2018 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.