How Adolescence Intensifies the Parent-Child Relationship

Source: Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.

I don’t believe any parent and adolescent get through the young person’s 10- to 12-year coming-of-age passage without more frequently experiencing moments of unhappy feelings with themselves and each other as youthful transformation relentlessly unfolds. Adolescence can be mutually wearing as separation begins growing them more apart.

Now detachment and differentiation from childhood and parents are underway as more youthful independence and individuality are sought. A healthy teenager pushes to come to their own person in both ways.

Growth changes

Because of this accelerating growth, compared to childhood, adolescence tends to be a more emotionally abrasive process for all concerned.

Five major changes wear down the old dependency of children on parents to enable more youthful independence and individuality to grow them apart. There is:

1. Increased distance (from social separation): “We feel less connected.”

2. Increased diversity (from cultural contrast): “We are more different.”

3. Increased resistance to authority: "We face more opposition."

4. Increased personal privacy: "We are confided in less."

5. Increased peer influence: "Friends matter more."

Sensitivity to emotion

Now there are so many kinds of unhappy states a parent can experience with their changing teenager, who likewise can find them harder to get along with:

• Distrust, suspicion, and worry.
• Impatience, frustration, and irritation.
• Hurt, anger, grievance, and resentment.

Simply put: adolescence is usually a more emotionally sensitized time in the parent-child relationship. For this reason, It’s important for parents and teenagers to know that some passing times of unhappiness are to be expected as they grow through the young person’s adolescence together. How they manage these moments of unhappiness is mostly what matters—and parents have to provide a constructive example to show the healthy way.

They need to take the lead in turning tension into talking. “Whenever we feel upset with each other, by declaring and discussing what is going on, and listening to what we are being told, we can each become more knowing and better known. This way we can stay connected as we gradually grow more apart, which we are meant to do.”

This can be difficult to do when hurt feelings become intense and are impulsively allowed to do a person’s “thinking” for them. Valued agents of one’s affective awareness system, emotions can be very good informants: “This doesn’t feel safe or right to me.” However, feelings can also be very bad advisors when they bypass better judgment and impulsively dictate unwise decision-making: “I reacted emotionally, without thinking!”

Emotional sobriety

The challenge of honoring honest feelings without allowing them to dictate hasty words, decisions, or actions is what I call maintaining emotional sobriety—the capacity to exercise mature self-restraint in order to let better judgment rule. For parents, a lack of emotional sobriety with their teenager can be costly. “I lost my temper!” “I regret what I said!” “I made a rash decision!” “I just panicked!” “I emotionally reacted!” “I was too tired to think!” Thus a hard situation becomes harder to deal with as the impact of the parental reaction complicates dealing with the problem of adolescent behavior.

What happened? In the moment, personal feelings were given governing power, and hasty words or actions are followed by regret. “I wish I could undo my response!” While the adolescent must gather responsibility to grow up, parents must assert seasoned judgment and act grown up. For the tired, impulsive, or temper-prone parent, maintaining emotional sobriety—the capacity to stay calm, focused, attentive, empathetic, specific, focused, realistic, reasoned, and receptive when felt intensity is urging impulsive responding—can be challenging to do.

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I believe emotional sobriety is what John F. Kennedy called maintaining “grace under pressure,” the emotional self-restraint required to rationally discharge a leadership job, be it as president or as parent.

Emotional sobriety requirements

Managing to maintain emotional sobriety is complicated.

• Emotional sobriety requires the management of haste: “The more rushed I feel; the more deliberation I need to take.”
• Emotional sobriety requires the management of power: “The more pressed I feel, the harder it is to let go of control.”
• Emotional sobriety requires the management of time: “The more urgent the issue, the more important to delay responding so judgment can decide.”
• Emotional sobriety requires the management of ownership: “The more upset I am; the more I must own my feelings and not blame them on others.”
• Emotional sobriety requires the management of perspective: “The bigger I make the incident, the more intense will be my emotional response.”
• Emotional sobriety requires the management of listening: “The more strongly I disagree, the more I need to understand what I am being told.”
• Emotional sobriety requires the management of fatigue: “The more I’m tired and stressed, the more vulnerable to emotional overreaction I become.”
• Emotional sobriety requires the management of self-discipline: “The more upset I feel, the more I need to let better judgment rule.”

The emotional reset

In times of upset, parents can model pausing for an emotional reset: taking a short delay to relax, reflect, restore, and refocus on the matter at hand, and then start the conversation over. “What you did is not to blame for how I feel—my reaction is my responsibility. My calmness is now restored, so let’s talk about what happened, how it was for you, my concerns, what you need from me, and what is best to do.”