Adolescence and the Allure of the Internet

Meeting with a group of middle school parents about adolescence and the Internet illuminated our shared perplexity.

The topic was: How to constructively help integrate this revolutionary technology into their teenager’s upbringing? What follows is a mix of ideas I carried out of this session.

For parents who only had an offline world to grow up in, having to raise a teenager in a second world as well -- the online world of the Internet -- can be baffling indeed. In truth, it is much more challenging raising a child and adolescent in the two worlds of today than the single one of yesteryear.

In this sense, today’s generation of parents are pioneers raising a family on a new electronic frontier which is immeasurably vast, hugely complex, and constantly changing, so every citizen user is struggling to keep up.

The Internet's online reality outstrips traditional offline reality in many significant ways. It is the greatest public circus of entertainment and escape ever created, the largest and most diverse marketplace ever built, the most populated meeting place and multi-media communication center ever devised, and the most encyclopedic encyclopedic source of information ever assembled.

It is also the most extensive social surveillance system ever invented. For immediate and and infinite entertainment, commerce, social contact, and information, people constantly give up increments of privacy. They do so by putting themselves on potential public record with every site they visit, with every click they make, with every message they send.

When parenting adolescents concerning the Internet, appreciating the vastness of the online world is the place to start because it calls to an issue that is near and dear to the teenage heart -- worldly freedom. The job of the healthy adolescent has not changed. It is to push for freedom to grow; just as the job of healthy parents is to restrain that push for the sake of safety and responsibility. This conflict of interests continues as adolescence unfolds.

In the offline world, setting and supervising boundaries of adolescent operation feels more straightforward for parents than setting and supervising boundaries of operation on the Internet where freedom has no apparent limits, which is part of its allure to adolescents – everything seems available; nothing seems forbidden. Wow!

Just think of an adolescent who increasingly drops out of the offline world and jumps into the online world instead. Why would a young person want to do that? Consider dream seeking -- for curiosity, adventure, excitement, popularity, notoriety, romance, fame, or fortune. Or, simply contrast different adolescent experiences the two worlds might have to offer.

Online can offer: Offline can offer:

Fun --------------------------------------------------Work

Fantasy --------------------------------------------Reality

Play -------------------------------------------------Schooling

Escape ---------------------------------------------Engagement

Excitemement ------------------------------------Boredom

Freedom -------------------------------------------Restriction

Independence -----------------------------------Compliance

Celebrity -------------------------------------------Anonymity

Connection ----------------------------------------Isolation

Entertainment -------------------------------------Drudgery

Immediate gratification -------------------------Delayed Gratification

In the Internet age, all adolescents (and adults) are "drop-outs" to some degree. Through one kind of electronic screen or another, they regularly transport themselves from the demands of daily offline reality into some temporary diversion offered by online living. Because the two worlds of experience can be so very different, the allure of the Internet cannot be denied.

Now consider rules. Most parents have a pretty clear set of rules when it comes to operating the great “freedom machine” for exploring the offline world – the automobile. They don’t simply hand the keys of the family car to the newly licensed teenager and say: “Go where you want, with who you want, doing what you want with no oversight from us, without having to tell us anything about what went on.”

But compare regulating use of this offline freedom machine with use of its unlicensed online counterpart – the computer. This great online “freedom machine” comes in an increasing variety of technical guises with a multiplicity of screens. The virtual world to which the adolescent has ready access is much larger than the real world of face-to-face daily interaction to which they are directly involved.

In the real world, when their teenager is at home, parents know where she or he physically located. In the online world, however, the teenager can be "safely" at home and they have no idea where that young person is.

So how are parents to set and supervise rules of operation and reporting requirements now? At most, they can try to limit the travel capacity of home devices. They might explain travel restrictions that come with using the home computer based on their family values. “We don’t want certain kinds of information coming into our home – like those promoting social violence, drugging, gambling, social dating, pornographic sex, and hate sights, for example.” However, such prohibitions don’t prevent exposures that young people can have through the devices of friends. And of course, prohibition provides no preparation; it only plays for delay. So, although parents may not be able to control all online choice, they can inform it; and to the best of their knowledge, they should.

What is enormously different in parenting today compared to the parent’s childhood is that parents cannot control when exposure to sensitive information is to be scheduled. “We’ll wait a few a years until our child (or adolescent) is older before introducing and discussing that topic.” No. With the Internet, whether parents like it or not, from a very early age children are unsheltered. They now have online access to a universe of “older” information. So, best to say, “Should you ever directly (online elsewhere) or indirectly from online-exposed friends get information you find disturbing or wonder about, say about violence, or drugging, or gambling, or social dating, or pornographic sex, or hate, for example, talk to us. We promise, there will be no criticism or punishment from us. We will listen to your impressions and questions and offer our point of view to help you understand.”

Parents can also help the young person judge the worth of online information they do get by learning to ask themselves three evaluation questions.

The Agenda question: What purpose is behind the posting of this information?

The Trust question: Should the information be treated as factual and valid?

The Application question: Should I act on, interact with, or put this information to personal use?

It seems to me parents should train their adolescent to be a knowledgeable Internet user concerning information they get, activities they engage in, and communication they conduct. The challenge is how to do any of these things to the good without putting themselves at risk of harm.

Consider a couple of suggestions.

Rather than focus on the adolescent’s Internet behavior, parents can begin by talking about their own: how they use the Internet, where they have gotten in difficulty, what they have learned. Then they can offer to share their Internet experiences, discoveries, errors, and precautions and invite the teenager to share in return. They can propose collaborating. “We are both innocents in the ever-expanding, constantly innovating world of the Internet in which we increasingly live. We’d like to share what we experience with you, and for you to share what you experience with us. By doing so, two of us can become wiser than one of us. When it comes to the Internet, both of us will always have a lot to learn.”

Rather than treat Internet experience as a special concern, treat it as a matter of ordinary interest. Just as the parent commonly asks “What happened in school today?” they can also ask “What happened on the Internet today?” Inquire and share about the online world as routinely as you do about what is happening offline, and offer your experience to encourage the young person in sharing their own.

Finally, parents might consider three possible Internet goals for their adolescent:

Be Competent: learn good technical and navigational abilities.

Be Safe: exercise adequate risk awareness about online dangers.

Be Balanced: keep online living from eroding healthy offline skills.

For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, “SURVIVING YOUR CHILD’S ADOLESCENCE,” (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com

Next week’s entry: How Detachment Changes Both Adolescent and Parents