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Relationships
3 Toxic Ways of Handling Conflict
Toxic relationships are characterized by unhealthy conflict patterns.
Posted September 21, 2023 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- Conflict is inevitable but it shouldn't be destructive.
- Avoidance of all conflict is just as unhealthy as constant conflict.
- Conflict should not be used as a method to gain power and control.
Conflict is inevitable. Any relationship, regardless of type, is bound to involve disagreements on some level, unless the relationship is primarily superficial or very short-lived. Though conflict is often viewed with a negative lens, it can be a positive tool, if used correctly.
Since every human is unique, disagreement is guaranteed to arise when two or more humans interact with each other for an extended period. Looking at disagreement as a celebration of what makes each person special—or as a starting point to improve a relationship—allows both members the chance to be heard. When disagreement is avoided, or used as a power and control technique, it can quickly turn toxic.
Toxic relationships are plagued by unhealthy conflict patterns. Those patterns can make the individuals involved experience a range of emotions from anger to fear to despair; if not stopped, these can lead to devastating and harmful long-term relationships. Many people who become accustomed to toxic ways of handling conflict can find themselves locked into relational patterns that continue to impact their interactions with others for years to come.
Red flags of unhealthy conflict patterns
So, what is the answer? How do you navigate the very real interactions that have to take place in relationships, some of which can be uncomfortable, without sacrificing yourself or falling victim to toxicity? To start, it can be helpful to recognize common red flags of toxic relationships:
1. Conflict is avoided at all costs. Some toxic relationships may not be easy to recognize because partners get stuck in a pattern of avoiding all conflict, regardless of what it’s about. Many times, individuals in these relationships grew up around conflict that was hurtful or damaging in some way, making them reluctant to repeat those behaviors in their own lives. Unfortunately, that knee-jerk reaction to avoid conflict can backfire as well.
Relationships that avoid conflict can feel distant, cold, and unloving. They can also feel passionate and excited—as long as everyone agrees with each other. The rules in these relationships tend to change when a disagreement happens, someone’s feelings get hurt, or one of the members desires more closeness than the other is willing to give.
In toxic relationships, vulnerability is either completely avoided or used as a tool to gain more power. Since conflict can make individuals vulnerable, it is often non-existent in these relationships. Vulnerability is buried, covered up, or otherwise ignored, so the same treatment is given to conflict.
Relationships that tiptoe around disagreement feel just as uncomfortable as those in which conflict is constant. True feelings are discouraged unless they are positive, it’s often considered wrong to have unmet needs (and wrong to bring them up), and the fallacy that “truly compatible partners never disagree” is a faithful mantra.
In conflict-avoidant relationships you may often feel as if you are walking on eggshells, waiting for an explosion, but there is no pressure-release valve because the pressure is not supposed to be there to begin with. Many times, these relationships encourage individuals to believe in the delusion that all conflict is unhealthy.
2. Conflict has no boundaries. The reverse of conflict-avoidant relationships are those relationships in which conflict knows no bounds. Screaming, blaming, physical aggression, you name it—partners in these relationships probably engage in it routinely.
Conflict without boundaries can become abusive. It gives individuals a blank check to do whatever they feel is necessary to express themselves. These relationships don’t have “deal breakers” in arguments—those limits that should be set ahead of time to avoid harming others. Instead, anything goes, regardless of the hurt it may cause.
Some individuals may seem like they enjoy arguing, just for the sake of it. This toxic style of conflict goes far beyond debate, however; it manifests as a method of emotional expression that is volatile, unpredictable, and impulsive.
These relationships will feel like a roller coaster because they are one; the “mood” of the relationship is wholly dependent on how each individual feels in the moment.
Healthy conflict means individuals can “fight fair”—they agree on the rules to disagreeing, including mutual respect for what makes each person uncomfortable. Relationships that avoid setting these rules can find themselves doomed from the start; eventually, this style of conflict becomes too wearing (and can become too dangerous) to continue.
3. Conflict is used to gain power. Intimacy is challenging. It requires the right balance of self-confidence and vulnerability, respect, and trust. When these key components are missing, conflict can become a tool with devastating consequences if it’s abused.
Many individuals in toxic relationships see conflict as a means to an end—the kind of attitude that says “If someone pushes me hard enough, I’ll show them who’s boss.” This kind of conflict arises when a toxic individual doesn’t get what they want and plans to get their needs met through force. That force can look like physical aggression, verbal abuse, or even something as simple as pushing someone’s buttons to manipulate them into giving in.
Conflict used for power is an intentional tool. Individuals who favor this conflict style study their partners, friends, family members, and colleagues to determine what buttons will net the best results if pushed—and once they latch on to a winning combination, they will likely use it repeatedly.
Conflicts that always feel like one person won and the other was to blame represent a red flag. Healthy conflict can result in a draw, a compromise, or agreeing to disagree—as opposed to a high-stakes battle that feels devastating when lost.
Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be destructive
Though conflict can be uncomfortable, learning to engage in it appropriately is crucial to developing healthy relationships. In the same vein, being aware of potential red flags that may be hinting at darker patterns can help you avoid getting stuck in relationships that are toxic and going nowhere. Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be painful.
