Your Friend, the Narcissist

An important question to ask is: why are you in a relationship with a narcissist?

What is the cost and benefit that you are receiving? What early experience with mom or dad makes this kind of relationship comfortable and familiar and, therefore, doable? What makes you believe that you are not entitled to your feelings and therefore makes you willing to sacrifice those feelings?

The most important person to be in a relationship with is yourself.

Ask yourself these questions: Who are you? Who do you want to be? Where are you going? What do you really want out of life?

By maintaining a relationship with a narcissist, you are discounting your very nature, the you that you were meant to be. Your sense of self becomes bruised, and though you are completely aware that you do not count to the narcissist, you still cannot let go, disengage, or untangle yourself from this relationship. That is likely because it feels so right, feeding into early-childhood patterns now playing out in your adult life.

So what can you do about it?

First, most helpful is writing down the pluses and minuses of your relationship with your narcissist friend. Then step back and objectively view yourself, making note of those things you respect and like about yourself,as well as those you do not. Record your interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes, including choices that you would like to make for your future, whatever that may be. Then, create boundaries that honor and value the real you.

Finally, consider all of the time and energy that you invest in making your narcissistic friend happy, and make the conscious choice to use that energy, towards making yourself happy.

Consider that the person you are constantly trying to please can never and will never be happy. And that no matter how much you invest in your relationship, it will always be about them and never about you.

The competitive yet insecure side of narcissists.

In addition, if you are happy about some event or experience in your life, your narcissistic buddy will likely be neither supportive nor happy for you. There’s only so much attention to go around, and the narcissist competes heavily.

If you buy a gift for yourself—a dress, a car, a house— they feel that you are taking something away from them. An if you make plans with others independent of your time with them, your narcissist friend will feel both excluded and jealous of the time you spend away from them. It is as if getting something for yourself is taking something away from them.

Though narcissists may appear at times to be confident and secure, they usually have a fragile central core. Additionally, your narcissistic friend uses you, to fill up or feed their narcissistic holes, or injuries.

Even though your narcissist friend appears to have great self-esteem, they don’t. And even though they appear confident and competent to others, their wants and needs are actually being supported by their social network.

Your narcissistic friend must gather feelings of self-worth by taking them away from you and others. This is in direct contrast to the way in which a healthy person interacts in relationships, sharing moments of success and alienation. The narcissist must constantly generate feelings of well-being and self-worth from those in their milieu.

An unhappy, unequal relationship.

It is not possible to have a happy relationship with a narcissistic friend. They will never truly see you, meet any of your needs, or be there in a crises.

Further, there is no confluence or mutually established set of rules to your friendship. Though they resent being excluded from any social outing with you, they can easily exclude you, without conscience. They monitor you and take\ everything you do personally.

A true narcissist has a very low threshold for empathy and, therefore, love. Hence, when in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to get real, and not hang your hat on the high moments, when they can be seductive, charming, entertaining, or even loving. Better to recognize the person they really are—indifferent to your feelings.

Being competitive with you, your narcissistic friend does not want to see you succeed; they believes your success, impacts theirs, and that makes them feel unsettled and off-balance. For the narcissist, there is room for only one at the top.

All healthy relationships are based on mutuality; therefore, a friendship with a narcissist is not a true relationship.

To maintain a friendship with a narcissist requires you to focus all of your attention on them, meeting their needs and dancing for their approval. Finding your authentic self and living the life you are meant to live is antithetical to having a friendship with a narcissist.

If you choose to interact with a narcissist, boundaries are essential, to protect the integrity of your own personality. This is how you take back your power and find the you you are meant to be.