Why Should I Set Boundaries With My Teens?

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As a parent, you know that setting limits is important and healthy for your children. So, how exactly do we do that?

Let’s start at the beginning; boundaries are integral to our daily life. As adults, these boundaries become known as laws, like speeding laws. Without a speed limit, we would drive at all kinds of speeds and bump into things and people, causing serious injury and harm.

Within the workplace, we also have boundaries that define when we are supposed to show up for work and leave. Some boundaries are written or spoken, and some are created by the office culture.

Without these boundaries, we don’t know our limits. Not having clear-cut limits makes us feel anxious. Boundaries let us know that we are being held accountable, and it is up to us to make choices to remain in line with these boundaries. They also imply that someone is in charge.

If we didn’t have boundaries in our lives, we would spend much of our time and energy trying to decide what we can and can’t do rather than investing in areas of growth and development. The same holds for our children. Not having clear-cut expectations and standards for your child academically, socially, behaviorally, and morally can lead to the experience of anxiety. If our children do not know that we are the authority figures in their lives, they don’t have parameters in their world, and the world becomes an unsafe and scary place for them.

Speak With Authority and With Clarity

When you speak to your teens, do you think your tone conveys confidence and knowledge, or are you coming across as hesitant and unsure?

Our teens need to know that someone is in charge of their world. Although they will likely challenge you and tell you that they know what they are doing or that they are older now and you can’t tell them what to do, the truth is they need to know that there are parameters in place. Those parameters help them to make decisions when they are in situations that can be precarious, such as giving in to pressure to drink, vape, or use other substances.

Speaking to your teens with confidence and holding to your word teaches them to do the same. Model your language so your child will use your words in everyday communications.

For example, when your everyday language is not passive and is direct (e.g., “I care about you. What can I do to help?” or “I don’t approve of you going to a party where you know that there will be drugs”) this offers language that your child can mimic and internalize as their own.

With teens, a good question to ask that will let them know that you understand and want to meet them where they are can be: “Do you want me to listen? Do you want to vent? Or, do you want to problem solve together?” Sometimes, the answer is just to listen; sometimes, it’s let me vent and then let’s problem solve. Either way, you are letting your teen know that you are not jumping in with both feet into fix-it mode when that’s not what they need from you at that very moment.

Hold Your Teens to Standards

Your teen is likely outwardly rejecting or fighting you on what you expect of him. When we deny a privilege, she may not like it, but they also hear: “My parent has my back,” whether they are processing this on a conscious level or not.

I know this to be true because my very own 15-year-old shared with me, in a moment of calm, that even though she gets outwardly angry with me when I tell her that she has to bring up her grade in English or that she can’t join a social gathering, she knows that I do so because I care for her. That is, we, as parents, are engaged in their lives (i.e., social friendships, academics, athletics, activities, etc.).

This means we are engaged. We are not shaming them or putting them down for when that math grade drops. It means I know what is happening in your world, and I am letting you know that I expect you to do something about this, whether emailing a teacher, going in for extra help, asking for extra credit assignments, or talking things through with a friend.

Knowing When to Be Flexible and When Not to Be Flexible

As I’ve shared, parenting is the most challenging role I’ve yet to hold. It’s about setting guidelines while also an art and a dance all at the same time. While holding those boundaries and expectations in your head, parenting is also understanding what your child is communicating with you nonverbally and emotionally and being flexible enough to ask questions, offer a hug, sit with your child, or problem-solve.

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There are situations where your instinct as a parent is to hold your child back from a social gathering or a specific interaction. There are also situations where you will feel like, “It’s OK for my child to go in there, fail, and come back out. I’ll be here to comfort and use this as an opportunity to learn about him or herself.” Teens like to learn for themselves, and learning is best served through direct experience. The best we can do is to let our teens know that they can mess up and come back home, where we will be there to help them process and think about making different choices next time without judgment or negativity.

Raising teens is a tricky place to be as a parent. They are not yet adults but no longer little children. They crave independence but still want to know that their parents are there and will catch them when they need to be caught. Setting boundaries is an important part of their development and future adult life.