Avoid Worry: Strategies to Protect You and Your Relationship

Excessive worry is costly. It takes time and energy but brings little rewards. It often leaves the worrier feeling helpless, anxious, physically depleted, and more worried. Interpersonally, it compromises relationships, leaving partners feeling swept into worry, avoidance, or anger.

Worry need not be a life sentence or a relationship deal breaker. Reconsidered as a shared challenge, it can reduce stress and strengthen your bond.

Strategies for Reducing Worry

Connection, postponement, and regulation strategies help reduce and offset the impact of excessive worry.

Connection

Connection to a Stronger Self:

Since worry is often fueled by a vulnerable self, unable to make a decision or face a negative situation, connection to a stronger self, committed to handling “worry” rather than resisting it, changes the set.

You already know that telling yourself “not to worry” or having someone else suggest that rarely works. It often leaves you with no alternative but to feel more frustrated and sometimes more worried.

Self-Statements of a Stronger Self:

Negative self-statements fuel the loop of worry, fear, and self-criticism: “What will I do?” “What if my decision is wrong?” “ How will it turn out?” “ What’s wrong with me?”

Consider Instead the Impact of Positive Self-Statements:

• “I can change my mind if it doesn’t work.”
• “This is not my problem”
• “I don’t have to have the answer now.”
• “I am not the only one who has faced this.”

Connection to Other

It is difficult to stay locked in a loop of excessive worry when someone else interrupts the thinking with a different perspective or additional information.

Being willing to share your sleepless worry about sending your 10-year-old to camp may give you the opportunity to hear that other mothers have checked out the staff or have older children who had a wonderful and safe time.

Connection With a Partner

The simple act of sharing worries with a partner to relieve the endless loop of fear without expecting an answer can offset carrying the worry alone. They say when someone listens, “It gets lighter.”

“ Hon, just listen to this; I just have to share it with you.”

A partner’s ability to actively listen to the fears and worries is invaluable.

“Wow, I see why you are worried about making a mistake in the office when the kids keep texting you.”

A worried partner whose anxiety leads to self-putdowns and self-hate, regardless of the support their partner is trying to offer, disqualifies the partner's attempt to help and leaves both helpless.

Most partners feel hit in the gut when they hear self-doubts and self-blame from someone they love.

Consider the difference between:

“I can’t do this presentation. I told you I am a loser. I should quit my job.”

vs.

“I’m so worried about this presentation. Can you listen and give me some feedback?”

Responding Partner—Because of your physical and emotional bond, being verbally and nonverbally present to a worrying partner (eye-to-eye contact, actively listening, constructive feedback, a hug, or supportive gesture) can reduce the physical and emotional tension associated with worry. Even if it takes a few rounds.

Avoid Blaming a Partner for Worrying

If a partner voices worries, that partner is rarely helped by a response like:

“You love to worry.” “You’re not happy unless you have something to worry about.”

Avoid Criticism: No one wants to worry. The less support, the more shame, the more worry.

Connect, Support, and Actively Listen

“I can see that you are worried. Just remember that you are really prepared and that you have handled this client before. Let’s take a walk and talk.”

Even if a worried partner doesn’t proclaim instant relief or gratitude, a positive connection usually makes a difference.

Take on the “Worry” Together

If you realize your partner can’t sleep and you hear again that she is worried about some aspect of your life—from house issues to medical issues—hugging and reminding your partner of times when you have solved problems together often invites connection and reduces stress and anxiety.

It is the difference between negating the reality.

“Here you go again. You are driving us both crazy.”

And validating your resources as a couple.

“There is nothing we haven’t figured out together in 10 years. Let’s look at this situation together.”

Postponing Worry

Remember Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind, saying:

“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

Apparently, O’Hara was familiar with postponement as a powerful strategy for handling worries. Whereas trying to dismiss the worry may not be realistic, choosing when to worry puts you in charge. It gives you the psychological space and time to do something else or think of something else. This brings down the anxiety and often affords a more realistic appraisal when you do think about it.

Setting Up a Worry Time

In the face of worry that just won’t stop, psychologists Edna Foa, Ph.D. and Reid Wilson, Ph.D. recommend a continual plan of systematic postponement and a designated “worry time” to disrupt and dilute the pattern of excessive worry.

“I will worry about this at 7 p.m.”

If you hold to the designated worry time, it can be a powerful tool. Once you postpone your worry, it is helpful “to do” something else. Very often, time spent in other activities begins to occupy your attention and reduce your anxiety.

It is sometimes a surprise to find that you can become so engrossed in a new activity that you forget to worry, or when you return to the problem, it is with less worry and urgency.

Psychologist Bret Moore, in his book Taking Control of Anxiety, suggests that “worry time” has a beginning and end—like 25 minutes. If a person is still worrying, he suggests they write it down and consider it at the next day’s worry time. Essentially, the worrier has more control and often has the perspective of a more relaxed and functional day.

Regulation

Redirecting Activities

As a rule of thumb, if we are acting out too much, it makes sense to start thinking, and if we are thinking too much, it makes sense to start acting. Accordingly, another valuable strategy for reducing worry is to move from worry to action.

Instead of worrying about the call to your doctor, make it.

Instead of lying in bed worrying about what you need to do the next day, get up and write a list.

Giving up a familiar pattern, even a painful one like excessive worry, is never easy. Much like a diet or exercise plan, one try is not likely to make a difference. It takes practice and planning at non-stressful times.

An important physical corollary to the strategies to reduce worry is the regular use of breathing techniques to facilitate the regulation of anxiety and worry.

Breathing Techniques

“Calming Counts”- It is a relaxation breathing technique proposed by Edna Foa and Reid Wilson in their book Stop Obsessing. Take a moment and try this quick version:

• Start by taking a long, deep breath and exhale slowly, saying the word “relax.”
• Now, take 10 easy breaths, counting down, starting with ten, on each exhale.
• Picture your body relaxing.

The AWE Method-The AWE breathing method developed by Jake Eagle and Michael Amster and described in The Power of Awe provides us with a technique that micro-doses mindfulness into a few minutes. The AWE method includes:

• A—Attention to something that brings you a sense of awe (something transcendent)—two pets sleeping on top of each other, a perfect sunset, a perfect muffin, a bird on your park bench. Take a look and take a minute to inhale.
• W—Wait while you appreciate what has captured your attention.
• E—Take a long "exhale," which engages the parasympathetic nervous system, a source of regulation and calm. Accessing AWE many times a day has proven to reduce anxiety, as have regular meditative practices.

Protect You and Your Partner From Excessive Worry

“For Every Minute You Spend Worrying About Things In Life,
You Lose A Precious Minute Of Your Life.” ― Mouloud Benzadi