Don't Be Too Hip To Smile and 11 Other Truths for Today

A dozen pieces of deliciously savoury advice

Posted May 07, 2015

1. A day during which you've laughed is a day you haven't wasted, no matter what else you've done. Get  up, have a cup of coffee, call a friend, laugh, make your friend laugh, and as far as I'm concerned you can go straight back to bed and consider your time well-spent. You probably won't want to, however, because between the laughing and the coffee, you'll be ready to face the day.

2. Very few erstwhile partners can stay friends after a break-up if there is not a secret desire on the part of one of at least one of them to become lovers again. Examine your motives before patting yourself or your ex on the back, or anywhere else, for any length of time. Are you sure you're not kidding yourself?

3. Great satisfaction can be obtained by reading a paperback or magazine while taking a bubble bath on a cold afternoon. It's tougher to do this in a shower but not entirely.

4. Women are not taking over the workplace; we still make, on average, $.76 on a man's dollar--IF WE ARE LUCKY--and that is why it's smart to be a feminist. I assume everybody I meet (male and female) is a feminist simply because I give folks the benefit of the doubt. Equal pay for equal work is not a complicated idea.

5. "Journaling" is not a word. If you want to be a writer, one of the first things you should practice is the following: do not make up gerunds.

6. Accept that almost nobody over the age of 18-months-old looks attractive in baby blue. Purge your wardrobe, no matter what your gender, sex, coloring or fondness for mid-century decor whispers in your ear if it's telling you differently.

7. If there are no longer any episodes of HOARDERS you haven't yet seen yet and  this worries you, you need to get out and volunteer more. Maybe take up a sport. At the very least, you should consider drinking.

8. Men are not the only ones to admire the physiques of 19-year-olds of the opposite sex. Women just say: "Oh, he'd be great for my niece." It is not that we don't notice.

9. "Go easy on the eyeliner" is always good advice.

10. Being nice to people--however spiritually and emotionally satisfying--guarantees only one thing: people will ask you to be nice to them again. It does not mean they will be nice to you.

11. Just because you are good at something does not mean you have to do it. One of life's great "eureka" moments occurs when you become aware of this fact.

12. Don't be too hip to smile.