Show Don’t Tell: Parents’ Role in Promoting Positive Body Image

“The older generation, they made/reinforce the beauty standards, then pass it on to their kids.”¹

Source: Cavan Images - Offset/ Shutterstock

The last thing most parents want to do is contribute to the intergenerational transmission of body image concerns. We want our kids to be confident and comfortable in their own skins. But we aren’t always sure how to accomplish this.

A recently published study titled, “Be more positive and more kind to your own bodies,” asked 14- to 24-year-olds how they would like their parents to support their body image. This survey of 652 young people confirms what body image scientists have been suggesting to parents for years: “Promote body acceptance.” “Provide unconditional love and support.” "Be a good role model.” These were among kids’ top recommendations for their parents.

It doesn’t sound like rocket science, but, in practice, it’s not always easy.

Source: Harmony, Penguin Random House

As psychologist Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, reminds us, “Caring about how we look is a normal part of being human, but putting too much stock in our own attractiveness outsources our self-worth to others’ opinions.” In her recent book, Sexism and Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World, she explores the sharp gender divide in not just body image but also the effort and mental space that appearance issues occupy. Whereas teen girls spend 7.7 hours per week on their appearance, boys are spending half that amount of time and, “have permission to get on with their lives with a quick shower and comfy clothes.” This alone is a reason for parents to consciously work to socialize their kids to reject the demands that unrealistic beauty ideals and capitalist forces use to entice our young.

The consequences of body image concerns can be severe at the individual level: dieting, disordered eating, anxiety, and depression. But there are also broader consequences; gender equality itself is at risk when girls are tasked with a longer daily to-do list of hygiene and beautification routines. In Finkelstein’s words, “The beast of beauty culture is arguably the patriarchy’s greatest tool for maintaining the status quo.”

In my recent book, Adultish: The Body Image Book for Life, I encourage readers to appreciate that our bodies are not infinitely malleable. It is a myth that “just trying harder” can lead the majority of us to achieve the impossible beauty ideals that confront us. Of course, it is an appealing myth, because who doesn’t like to think that beauty, health, happiness, and success are all within reach? And beauty, health, happiness, and success, of course, are often discussed as completely interwoven, which is also wrong.

And, yet, according to Finkelstein, it is impossible for adolescents in this formative stage of identity development not to feel like they are falling short when they are not flawless. The ubiquitous presentation of uncommon—nearly cartoonish—appearances on social media and “solutions” for achieving these ideals is compelling.

Parents are brainwashed by these ideals as well and may have unrealistic expectations for their own kids. However, youth in the aforementioned study were clear that they did not want their parents to comment on their bodies, fat shame them or others, encourage dieting, or suggest that kids should be working to change their bodies. Most parents would never do any of this intentionally, but even subtle comments can stick with kids for years. One woman I interviewed for my latest book shared that all it took was her mom telling her she didn’t have the body for crop tops and she resorted to wearing baggy clothes for an entire year. Parents may offer well-intentioned appearance guidance but, as Finkelstein suggests, “The wish to save them from suffering can cause more suffering.”

I appreciate, as a parent, that it can feel overwhelming to try to confront the media, advertisements, and peers that contribute to our kids’ body image concerns. Many of us may have our own body image baggage as well. But, according to kids,¹ our greatest weapon against the forces that encourage their body dissatisfaction is to be a good role model. In Finkelstein’s research, she found that body appreciation blooms when kids feel acceptance of their bodies by important people in their lives.

We can help kids feel safe, supported, and comfortable in their bodies. Their bodies will grow and change, but parents can be a constant in their development.