Skip to main content

Verified by Psychology Today

When it Comes to Sex: Elusive Stimulates Desire

Sexual alchemy is this incredible recipe of separateness and intimacy

Men and women tend to desire what we think we can't have. If the object of our desire is elusive - if we live in fear of losing what we want - we tend to be very persistent in our pursuit.

We want scarcity and the novelty of feeling that rush of newness and conquest to stoke our desires. The alchemy of sex has something to do with the tension between wanting, not getting and then having some of what we want. If we get it totally - then we tend to lose interest over time. If the object of our desire is not totally ours; that makes us keep up our pursuit and stimulates our hunger.

Sexual alchemy is this incredible recipe of separateness and intimacy. And here is the kicker; if we don't feel the intimacy we tend to feel unsafe in allowing the separateness.

If you are able to create a relationship where you understand and know that you have each others hearts (I have your back, you are important to me) and at the same time are able to create space - your passion can survive. It's this knowing that each person has their own lives and can never be fully owned is that is key and perhaps the only way that we can keep sexual passion alive in ongoing relationship.

Many of us marry so that we can have the illusion of safety and security. But if you are able to accept that security and safety is never guaranteed - you might be able to see your relationship as one that has space around it and even adventure. Does this make you feel a little uncomfortable? Then you might be on the right path to hot sex!

Tips for Creating Hot Possibilities:

1. Stimulate each others imagination.

2. Create surprises and keep each other guessing.

3. Offer the unexpected.

4. Enable each others fantasies.

What to do after reading this article?

Please share it, leave a comment, and like it!

Want to learn more about Pamela Madsen's sexuality coaching program for women and couples? Visit here:

Check out Pamela's book: "How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" (Rodale).

More from Pamela Madsen
More from Psychology Today
4 Min Read
Sexual orientation is about which sex you’re attracted to, not whether you prefer the same or opposite sex.
More from Pamela Madsen
More from Psychology Today