When Is It Cheating for You?

Sexual cheating is defined as one partner of a monogamous couple having sex with someone else without an agreement for such an event. How could it be simpler? And yet, taking money from a joint bank account, saying you were someplace when you were elsewhere else, having a workplace flirtation, and watching pornography alone are all considered cheating by many people.

Many couples don't have explicit rules about such things until a problem arises. "But you know I was saving that money for our vacation!" or "You went to a movie alone? Why didn't you tell me first?" Then, after a discussion (or an argument) is over, there is some clarity about what is considered cheating for this couple. Wouldn't it be easier to have the clarifications at the beginning of a relationship without a fight to define things?

Money: When both adults in a committed couple are employed, a common agreement is that what each earns is their own except for a specified amount put in a common account to cover rent and other household expenses. Another common arrangement is the couple living on one person's income while saving the other person's earnings for a major joint expense such as buying a house or taking a trip.

If all money goes into a joint account, there may be an agreement that neither person will spend more than $X without first checking with the other.

Reporting Your Whereabouts: Is this something you or your partner require? If it's your partner's need, do you feel stifled in any way by having to always let your partner know where you are? How does your partner feel? Does each of you have a curfew that's mutually acceptable? Some people feel stifled by such a need to report; others feel it's normal to know where your partner is at all times.

Workplace Flirtations: When I worked in an office, I couldn't think of a thing that made the hours there more pleasant than an office flirtation. I knew it would go nowhere no matter what the other person imagined, but it certainly added a sexy frisson to the day. Some people can't handle the thought; others enjoy it with and for their partner. This something that needs some serious discussion beforehand.

Masturbation/Pornography: When I first started my practice as a couples counselor, I was amazed at how often jealousy was aroused by what I thought of as the most private of private activities, like bathroom habits. That one partner would want to control these behaviors of his/her partner, that one might be made jealous by them, astonished me. I can tell you now, trying to curb another person's fantasy life or personal gratification is usually a lost cause. Be assured that it has nothing to do with you. Fantasies are hardly cheating.

Have I left anything out? Every couple has their own sore spots. I have mentioned only common domains in which partners have often-unspoken ideas about what constitutes infidelity. My point is: If you can discuss potential differences and negotiate behavioral boundaries before violations become deal breakers, you will have a much happier and long-lived relationship.