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Just for a poke at his favorite bush
The young stud set sail windward
At the end of the act came an odd little sound
Pop! goes the penis.
On the first hour of the third day of the seventh month, the wicked winds paid a visit to a joyful Bahamian fisherman newly landed upon our most embracing shore. And on the second hour of the third day of the seventh month, they paid a visit to my beeper.
By the time I strolled into the emergency department, the young man's member had come to resemble a hybridized sausage having the shiny, soft capsule of a fine Wisconsin bratwurst and the puffy corpus and purple coloration of a morcilla fresh from the Pampas. By the general standards of blunt penis trauma -- from the superficial bruising from forcibly engaging a clarinet to the bleeding urethra of a pincing dresser drawer -- this was somewhat unusual.
Field reports had indicated a stable, healthy male with fresh trauma. The specific mechanism of injury seems forever lost in that -- in the throes of full rut -- the young couple could detect nothing but rapture. One report did indicate that the female of the species had blurted something about a "pop" but, not wishing to erode his enthusiasm, silently returned to her climax.
You would expect that a young man so encumbered might be upset. You would be wrong. Having met his objective for the night, the young man, propped on a pile of puffy pillows, smiled and gamely indulged the crowd's amusement. It seems nothing pleases the people more than a broken penis, not even a police pistol shot to the scrotum.
The man shared that upon emptying his bladder, his penis swelled. It does not take a master diagnostician to deduce that in addition to the banal rip of his corpus he had an exceptional tear of his urethra: He was peeing into his shaft. Hence, the Pillsbury Pecker.
It took us 4 hours to repair what femme fatale had done. The operation began, as they do, with a penile degloving. Sound nice, yes? Like taking your cat for declawing. In reality, it means that a ring is cut at the head and the skin is retracted to the base, so as to expose all the internal components. It is followed by an evacuation of urine and clot, identification of torn urethra and shaft, some freshening to make it look nice, neat rows of suture, and voilà! Good as new, with a white bow of gauze and a slick rubber catheter.
Not all penis injuries end calmly, of course. For example, the meat cleaver injury uniformly separates an owner from both his penis and his composure. Such amputations can be a solitary event or an epidemic, as once happened in Siam. We shall return to them another time.
Also in the drama category of penis injury is the more pedestrian pediatric foreskin zip. It seems odd that little humans who can synchronize an iPhone, iPod, and iFork have trouble with tuck-and-zip. Yes, zipper traps are all around and boys' pantaloons are best sealed with elastic.
Adults also suffer zipper injuries. These are easier to care for because they do not first require sedation of hysterical mommies. On the other hand, adult victims are more likely to present with concurrent trauma. The victim's apoplexy could, as explained by one such lucky prisoner, cause him to fall out of bed right on his calficied nose. Which also illustrates that foreskin injuries can happen to men wrongly incarcerated for crimes they are clearly way too dumb to commit. Among the signs of such complex presentation are a nose bridge, handcuffs, and baggy pants sealed with elastic.
Overall, your chances for a penis injury are low. First of all, half of you are off the hook by virtue of being females (it is you we eye with the suspicion of the male mantis for potentially mixing mating with mayhem). Secondly, many men are circumcised, which at least eliminates a foreskin injury; shaft skin injury is still possible. And finally, most men are conscious of what their penis is up to and treat it with care.
Still, in case of calamity, remember that if you hear a "pop" during sex, stop, drop, and roll on your back. Look at your penis. If it has acquired a new color and/or an unusually expansive engorgement, do not resume sex. Do not stampede. Do go to the nearest emergency room, where you are sure to be greeted by many helping staff. If you have been injured, let your business associates know that your Johnson's been hurt and you'll explain another time.
Remember, lads: If your penis is still attached, it's probably going to be fine.
