Parenting is Hard: Let's Do Something About It

Parenting can be overwhelming, and we can’t afford to keep ignoring the impact it has on caregivers’ well-being. In August 2024, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy underscored this reality by declaring parental stress as an "urgent public health issue." His report highlights the urgent need for transformative changes in how we support parents and caregivers.

"Something has to change. Supporting parents and caregivers will require a series of thoughtful policy changes and expanded community programs that will help ensure parents and caregivers can get time off to be with a sick child, secure affordable child care, access reliable mental health care, and benefit from places and initiatives that support social connection and community."

His report highlighted many of the themes we have found in our ongoing study of caregiver mental health, like how lack of information when you first become a parent can lead to stress and feelings of failure. For example, one of our participants spoke about feeling lost in regards to her newborn’s sleep:

"They didn't even tell me about wake windows. A two-week-old can only be awake for 45 minutes. I had no idea. I don't know why I thought the baby will sleep when it sleeps. You have to aid them. But they don't tell you that stuff. I'm pretty smart, too, and I still was like, no idea."

Another recurring theme in both his report and our study is the need for connection and community. As the report notes, “Parents struggle with loneliness at higher rates than non-parents, which can exacerbate parental stress.” In our study, one mom spoke about her extreme feelings of loneliness and the relief that finding another group of moms gave her: “It meant the world just to be able to connect with just one other mother who was going through maybe what I was going through.”

Parenting stress is at unhealthy levels for all parents but some may experience even higher levels than others. One factor that can be a source of special stress is having a child with a medical or behavioral diagnosis, as this involves managing medical appointments, therapies, and unique emotional needs. As Dr. Kelly Fradin, author of Advanced Parenting, notes, navigating these systems often requires parents to act as advocates, care coordinators, and caregivers all at once, which can lead to feelings of failure or inadequacy.

This story of the unique intense parenting that comes with having a child with a diagnosis was one told by those in our study as well. For example, one mother in our study, whose son was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis and ADHD spoke about how piecing together his care team was emotionally exhausting:

"My son's therapist had her first parent meeting with me, and she was like, 'He was born with this brain. This isn't an environmental thing. There's nothing you did wrong. This is his brain chemistry from the moment he was born.' That gave me a lot of aha's about my matrescence... I thought I would be such a great mother. I felt like I was just failing over and over again. It just really validated things."

This mother found that a major turning point came when she discovered a village of other parents who understood her situation and her child’s behaviors:

"That's a whole other layer to our village that knows Daniel and knows that he might run around and be, like, crazy. How do we together bring him back into a green zone? And so that's been amazing."

Building a community of people who “get it” can be transformative for parents, especially those facing the intense pressures of special needs caregiving. These connections provide emotional validation and practical support, helping to reduce feelings of isolation.

Drawing awareness to the landscape of parenting stress is an important step in supporting parents. As the Surgeon General’s report emphasizes—and as research like ours shows—we are parenting in a time of crisis. Parents need continuous mental health support throughout their journey, especially as new challenges arise that can amplify stress, such as managing a child's medical or behavioral diagnosis. It’s time to rethink how we care for parents and ensure that their mental health remains a priority during and beyond the first few weeks of their child’s life.