“I Have Adult ADHD. My Wife Suffers From It.”

Psychoeducation about ADHD is the starting point for strengthening ADHD-affected marriages and other committed relationships.

Source: Timur Weber/Pexels

ADHD can be quite impairing for adults whio live with it, even in its mild forms. However, a quote from one of my clients that serves as the title of this post illustrates how ADHD affects relationships of all sorts, but especially marriages and other committed relationships. Such relationships, especially when living together, rely on coordinated efforts, division of labor, and expectations of trust and reciprocity and fulfilling expectations within agreed upon roles. This can be a challenging choreography between two partners, moreso when adding the demands of running a household, co-parenting, dealing with extended and blended families, and other such matters. It is no surprise that ADHD-affected relationships of all sorts can be rife with stress and conflict, particularly marriages.

Husbands' ADHD Affects Their Wives' Well-being

A recent study was published on the experience of women married to men with ADHD. This study of straight married couples examined the effects of the male partners’ ADHD on their female partners.¹ Male partners in the study cited that they had received a diagnosis of ADHD from a certified medical provider, and their scores on a current symptom rating scale confirmed persistent, diagnostic levels of ADHD. Their wives were included if they denied a historical ADHD diagnosis and their scores on the same ADHD symptom rating scale fell below diagnostic thresholds.

As functional impairment ratings for male partners increased, the female partners’ depressive ratings correspondingly increased, and their quality-of-life ratings decreased. However, women who engaged in health-promoting activities had better quality-of-life ratings and lower depression scores, indicating that the more they tended to their well-being, the better they fared.

A study from years ago also documented various strains in straight marriages in which one partner had ADHD. Those findings showed that when wives had ADHD, their non-ADHD husbands rated them with more symptoms and that the symptoms had a greater negative impact on the marriage, than when compared to ratings by non-ADHD wives for their ADHD-husbands, suggesting the violation of sex-based expectations from ADHD contributed to the marital distress for non-ADHD husbands.²

Psychoeducation About ADHD Is an Important Element of Improving Relationships

The effect of ADHD on marriages and other committed relationships of all sorts is an important one. This issue is embedded with larger issues of ADHD on social functioning in all sorts of relationships. These effects are widely known, ranging from peer neglect and rejection in childhood up through difficulties with relationships in school, at work, and with peers, family, partners, and other sources of belongingness. Psychoeducation about ADHD for partners with ADHD and their non-ADHD partners has been long recommended and there are emerging programs using this approach,³ but more are needed for this important domain of adult life and well-being.

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